1.
“Josh?”
At the sound of the President’s voice, I immediately pick my head up. Good thing I’m already
standing. I’m getting sucked into this budget, but for some reason, I’ve lacked the desire to sit
down.
“Sir?”
The President walks into my office. He looks guilty about something. The last time I saw this
look on his face he snuck into the Oval Office stoned out of his gourd on pain pills. So, I
immediately dread where this is going, but at the same time, hoping it’s hilarious like that time
was…in hindsight…
“I have a problem.”
“I would think you have several, sir.” I say dropping the document in my hand onto my desk.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re the President of the United States. I would think there are a lot of problems on your
desk right now.”
“Oh no, not that stuff.” He says waving off the very notion with his hands. “This is something
different.”
“What’s wrong?”
“The secret service won’t let me go to Mike’s bachelor party tonight.”
“Why? It’s at a hotel.”
“I don’t know. Ron’s having puppies over it; something about the kitchen.”
Okay. This is not the best news. I know I’m frequently trying to get out of all social events
involving the President, but I know it was important to him to go. He actually likes Mike, even
though he’s marrying Ellie and according to the President that should be grounds for
deportation, he hates Doug, Liz’s husband. So though he hates not being the number one
guy in his daughter’s life anymore, he was excited about getting a son in law he liked.
Mike on the other hand would be perfectly happy with this new development. He likes Jed, but
he’s terrified of the President, and he doesn’t always know who’s who.
“But here’s the thing,” the President continues. This is where I stop liking this conversation.
“Donna suggested just moving it here. Since I was going to be there, everyone’s been
checked out.”
Okay, NOW I wish I could sit.
“Donna?”
“Yes.”
“Donna?”
“Your wife.”
“My wife Donna suggested moving Mike’s bachelor party to the White House?”
I’ll kill her. Never in our entire relationship have I thought that my beautiful, sweet wife could
be so cunning, but I see now I have been blissfully in the dark.
“Yes.” The President says again. “It’s a great idea.”
“IT’S A HORRIBLE IDEA!” I may have yelled that too loudly.
“Why?” the President asks and damn if he doesn’t look disappointed.
“BECAUSE OF THE --” I cut myself off when I realize where we are and drop my voice
significantly to just a harsh whisper. “Because of the strippers.”
“STRIPPERS!?”
So much for that plan. I rush around him and close the door quickly. We’re dangerously close
to the communications bullpen where there are reporters just itching to hear the President of
the United States talk about strippers.
“Are you crazy?!” the President yelps when the door is tightly closed. “Toby will pummel you
for having strippers in the same building as me. Hell, I’m going to get busted for even SAYING
the word strippers!”
“They were coming after you left...LONG after you left.” I sigh.
“I can’t even remember the last time I saw strippers.”
“SIR!” I’m not ashamed to squeak in his presence; he’s heard it before.
“What?” he acts all innocent. “I went to college.”
“You went to Notre Dame!”
“And just what is THAT supposed to mean?” he crosses his arms across his chest. I should
sense danger here, but we always one up each other on who went to the better school….me,
by the way…
“You were going to school to be a priest.”
“But then I changed majors.”
“And suddenly went wild?”
“I’m just saying I’ve seen strippers.”
“Okay, okay, okay!” There’s really not enough bleach in the world to erase this particular
image. “The point, sir, is you were hoodwinked.”
“Hoodwinked? No! By who?”
“Donna.”
He pauses a moment and looks at me. “Nooo.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I don’t believe it. Donna would never do that.”
“She saw her opening and she played you, sir.” I nod. I’ll send my wife up the river with the
President, no problem. I’m about to have a lot of angry guys hunting me down.
“How?” he demands. He clearly doesn’t believe such a thing of Donna.
“Donna and Ellie were pissed over the stripper thing. So, by moving the party to the White
House, that effectively eliminates any strippers because I will be dead and buried before I
allow strippers in this White House.”
“Oh YOU will, will YOU?” He counters.
“Sir, this is not the time to prove a point to me. This one will end disastrously for all us.”
“How?” He’s not out of the ‘I am King’ mode he falls into in situations like this.
“One word: Abbey.” I say.
“Oh yeah.”
“Yes.”
“Good looking out there, Josh.”
“Yes.”
“Josh, you know how I feel about Doug.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Who just couldn’t seem to get down here tonight, the night before his sister in law’s wedding
to celebrate with his soon to be brother in law and his father in law.”
“I know, sir.”
“I wanted Mike to know that I don’t think he’s evil.” The President sighs sitting down.
Shit. Now, I’M being played.
And masterfully I might add.
“I don’t think Mike thinks you think he’s evil, sir.” I smirk.
“I mean he’s male, and I don’t like that one bit, but I have to admit, he’s good for her.”
“And she’s good for him.” I agree. “She’s been an amazing influence on him.”
“So, I was really looking forward to this.”
“Well, you’re in luck, sir, because if you can’t be there, it just wouldn’t be the same.”
NOBODY around here sucks up better than me….except maybe CJ; she’s pretty good at it.
“You’ll move it?” He asks perking up…like he ever thought I wouldn’t. And I nod. “We’re back
in business!” He exclaims clapping his hands and standing up. “And, Josh, there’s a bright
side here you have yet to consider.”
“What’s that, sir?” I sigh heavily. I’m so screwed.
“The bachelorette party is upstairs in the Residence at the same time.”
Or maybe I’m not so screwed….That has possibilities!
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2.
“Donna?”
“Uh-huh?” She looks nervously at the clock again.
“Why do you keep looking at the clock and biting your lip?” I ask her.
“Well…see…Matt, it’s like this…” She pauses again. This is going to end up badly for me, I
know it. She’s said something or done something that is going to bring the White House
Deputy Chief of Staff, not my friend Josh Lyman but the DCOS, breathing fire into my office
and possibly taking out innocent bystanders.
Donna has adopted the smart political strategy, for her at least, of giving Josh bad news
when they’re both in MY office betting that he’s going to have to be more restrained in my
office than he would be at home or on his turf. It works out pretty good for her usually, but
someone in my office always gets caught in the crossfire; usually me.
For instance, when Donna agreed to let their children be in the wedding of the first daughter
at the White House, without consulting with Josh, she shared that information here. Then I
had to endure THREE days of shouting between them while trying to conduct Congressional
business. Josh…objected to the idea to put it mildly. Donna almost always wins in the end,
my friend is truly besotted with his wife, but the length of time we all must endure
his…unhappiness over the situation depends on the level of Donna’s perceived
transgression. Right now she’s biting her lip, which indicates at least a two day battle over
something.
“What did you do?” I ask point blank.
“Why do you I assume *I* did something?” She asks pretending insult, but I just give her ‘the
look’. “Okay, so when I stopped over at the White House earlier? I ran into President
Bartlet…”
”You RAN INTO President Bartlet?” I say skeptically. Even I know that nobody RUNS INTO the
leader of the free world.
She sighs. She really should know better than to try to pull that crap with me. Sometimes, I
think she’s just trying shit out before she tries it on Josh. “The President asked me to show
him the latest video of the twins when I got a chance so when I stopped at the White House
this morning, at your request by the way, I stopped to show him the video.” This I believe.
The President is a HUGE sucker for little ones, and they don’t come any cuter than little
Briana and Noah Lyman.
“When all of a sudden…” I prompt her for the rest of the story. Josh isn’t going to be pissed
about her sharing a video with the President. In fact, I’m surprised she beat Josh to it. He’ll
assault anyone standing still long enough with pictures and stories about his children.
“The President was really upset because the Secret Service nixed him going to the bachelor
party tonight.” Donna relays. “He wanted to welcome Mike to the family and show him that he
doesn’t hate him just because he’s taking Ellie away. He was extremely disappointed not to
be able to participate.”
“Yeah…” I’m waiting for the shoe to drop here. It can’t be long now.
“So I suggested that they move the bachelor party there.”
Yep. There it is. And with Josh coming over to the hill for a leadership conference at 2:00 that
means he should be showing up here…
“Donna Moss!” His shout can be heard from the lobby. I’ve noticed that he only uses her
maiden name when he’s particularly pissed. Donna must have noticed that too, because she’
s kind of wincing.
“Did you have to do that? Really?” I ask her quietly.
“He was so sad to be missing it!” Donna insists.
“DONNA?!” Josh shouts again.
“And it had nothing to do with the little scuffle here the other day about the strippers that
were scheduled to appear at the hotel tonight?” I ask shrewdly and she purses her lips.
“It didn’t HURT that one thing precluded the other.” She admits. Damn this woman should
have been a lawyer…or a politician.
My door slams open to find a red faced Josh Lyman standing there looking…angry.
“Hi honey! Good day?” Donna smiles. “The twins are…”
“Don’t you dare bring our children into this, Donnatella.” He replies, interrupting her neatly.
“I wouldn’t want to, what with all the talk of strippers lately.” She mutters.
“I KNEW it!” He crows. “I knew this was your way of getting rid of the strippers!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Joshua, this was my way of making sure the President was involved in
his soon to be son-in-law’s bachelor party…getting rid of the strippers was just a happy
BONUS!”
“I think it’s time to take this back to Donna’s office.” I offer and I’m promptly ignored by both of
them. I expect it from Josh, but Donna does work for me and that’s vexing.
“The guys are gonna be pissed.” Josh declares.
“Then the ‘guys’ can all grow up.” Donna tosses back. “Strippers! What, are you all in college
now?”
“Mike has had to endure more than any guy ought to have to for the privilege of marrying the
President’s daughter and we wanted to give him a send off to…”
“Endured more than any…” Donna scoffs. “Do you hear yourself? Mike loves Ellie. He’d do
anything for her and her for him. He doesn’t need a reward for running the Presidential
gauntlet, and IF HE DID his reward shouldn’t involve naked women that aren’t his fiancé!”
“So you’ve told me!” He shouts back.
I whistle loudly and get their attention for a moment. “Enough. Take this out of my private
office. Take it out of my Congressional office. Take it out of the workplace entirely and settle
this at home like normal people.”
“You’re not going to object to this?” Josh asks me.
“Yeah, Josh the loss of female strippers is going to break my heart.” I quip.
“Oh…yeah…” He finally remembers that I’m gay.
“And if I’m not mistaken, you yourself said the stripper thing was juvenile when Mike’s little
brother suggested it.” I point out.
“That was before.” He maintains.
“Before what?” Donna asks.
“Before it became a matter of principle!” He defends himself.
“So let me get this straight.” I rub a hand across my forehead and look back up wearily at
Josh. “You yourself were against the strippers until Donna said you couldn’t have the
strippers and then you had to get the strippers for the principle of it.”
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “I don’t need any strippers. Look at the gorgeous wife I get to go home to
everyday.”
I sigh. “Leave. Leave now.” I suggest and he must see how serious I am because he only
stops briefly to tell Donna,
“We’re not done with this yet.” But they both smirk so it looks like the worst of it is over and
soon Josh is gone and Donna is sauntering back to her office riding on the high from her
husband’s compliment I’m guessing. I swear to God. If I live to be a hundred I will NEVER
understand their relationship.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“Come on, baby, come to Mommy.” I cajole her and my Briana comes through for me. She is
pretty reliable; it’s her brother that’s going to give me nightmares. We’ve been ‘practicing’
walking down the aisle for weeks and if it’s getting old for me, I can only imagine what it’s like
for the two of them, but they have to perform on command tomorrow while everyone in the
free world watches Mike and Ellie’s wedding.
Noah has stopped about halfway up the aisle to inspect something shiny he sees on the floor
or maybe it’s a discarded piece of gum or something. “Noah, honey, look at Mommy.” I shake
his favorite toy hoping to motivate him to walk this way, but I’ve lost his attention and don’t
have much hope of getting it back now.
“Way to go, BJ!” CJ congratulates our daughter and scoops her up for a hug and a tickle
when she makes it to the end of the aisle. Is there any doubt who is CJ’s favorite? CJ
immediately shortened Briana Joan to BJ after she was born and she is the only one who
refers to her as BJ, but it works for the two of them. They are, quite obviously, delighted with
each other. BJ lets CJ play mommy with all of the fun and none of the responsibilities. CJ in
turn showers her favorite adopted niece with beautiful ‘girl’ clothes and accessories. Let’s just
say my daughter probably has a bow or hair clip for every strand of hair on her head.
“Noah!” I try again. “Come on, buddy! Come get your toy!” Nothing.
“Why don’t you try offering some sort of junk food?” CJ suggests and I glare. “It works for his
father.”
“How’s it going?” Ellie asks when she joins us. They’re about to start the ‘real’ rehearsal and I
still can’t Noah out of the aisle.
“I’ve got a consistent 50% success rate.” I admit. When I agreed to let the children be in the
wedding, my biggest concern was that they wouldn’t be walking well enough to perform their
duties. Now my nightmare is that Noah will abscond somewhere with the rings about halfway
down the aisle. “Are you sure Briana can’t do ring bearer and flower girl duties?”
Ellie laughs. Thank God this stuff doesn’t seem to stress her out. Every time someone brings
up all the details and political glare Ellie’s dealing with having the wedding at the White
House, she just smiles and says it was important to her dad. She tells us as long as she ends
up married to Mike at the end of the day, the wedding’s a success regardless of what else
happens in between. She has got a great attitude. Or she’s on drugs.
“He’ll be fine, Donna.” Ellie assures me. See what I mean. “If he doesn’t make it down the
aisle, we’ll have someone get the pillow from him and toss it the rest of the way down.”
Just then my husband and the man of the hour walk in. Ellie beams. It makes my heart flutter.
Not that I don’t love Josh every bit as much, even more, than the day I married him, it’s just
that there’s something very special about a couple when they’re just on the verge of taking
that monumental step. It’s Holy.
“Where’s the keg? Let’s get this party started.” Ladies and Gentleman, Josh Lyman. I’m
gonna kill him. “Hey beautiful!” He scoops Bri from CJ’s arms and nuzzles her neck with
kisses; Briana’s not CJ’s. “Where’s your brother?”
I point resignedly down the aisle where Noah has now decided to sit down and play with the
silver knobs one of the chairs.
“Hey, buddy! Come here and see Daddy!” Like a bullet from a gun, Noah springs up and
RUNS down the aisle to his dad. Okay. Josh is going to need to be stationed at the end of the
aisle. There’s no other way it’s going to work. The wedding coordinator arrives and tells us
we need to get started and that the President will join us as soon as possible. She walks us
through the ceremony like we’re redneck idiots.
I hate snooty White House protocol people. She gets on my nerves immediately. She seals
her fate when she tells me there is NO WAY Josh, who is serving as Mike’s best man can
abandon his post to stand at the end of the aisle to help coax Noah all the way down the
aisle. Does Josh need to physically hold Mike up or something?
“It’s just that he’s not consistently walking all the way down the aisle each time.” I explain. “If
he sees his father there…”
“If he’s unable to perform his duties, perhaps we should consider a replacement?” The
coordinator turns the question to Ellie who looks as horrified as I feel.
“No!” Ellie pipes up. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
“Of course he will, he’s a Lyman.” President Bartlet’s booming voice reaches us as he squats
down to be at eye level with our children. “They’ll be fine and if not, it will provide a little
humor to the proceedings. My Ellie always had a great sense of humor.” Jed Bartlet looks up
and meets the eyes of his middle daughter. I feel my eyes tearing up.
“Glad you could make it, Dad.” She smiles and takes his arm. “Ready to walk me down the
aisle?”
“Not nearly.” He sighs. “I swear you were just this size only yesterday.” He indicates our
Briana. “Hold on to her tight, Joshua. Before you know it, some fine young man will come
along and sweep her away from you.” The President winks at Mike in approval. “Let’s get this
show on the road. We have some parties to attend this evening.” He claps his hands and
rubs them together.
“There are actually a rehearsal and a rehearsal dinner first, you know.” Abbey reminds him.
“I thought we were just having pizza at the parties!” He teases and gives his wife a quick kiss
before leading Ellie to the back of the room to begin their practice walk.
“He says he’s going to wipe us all out in poker.” Mike complains good-naturedly. I think if it
cemented him in President Bartlet’s good graces, Mike would happily lose to his future father
in law in poker all night. Josh claps him on the shoulder.
“I say it’s a small price to pay.” Josh sums it up. “How long before the rehearsal and the
dinner thing?” He asks me.
“The dinner starts in an hour and will probably go for two hours.” I predict. “Then I bring the
kids home for Grandma to babysit and it’s off to our respective parties.”
“With the President and First Lady.” Mike chimes in. “What could possibly go wrong there?”
Bells will be Ringing!
By Anne Marie
and Cathy