Title: Australia (An adaptation of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No
Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
Author: Cathy Miller (www.cathyswestwing.com)
Rating: Everyone
Disclaimer: They’re not mine, but I think sharing is VERY important.
Timeline: Toward the beginning of the Santos Administration.
A/N: For a friend and a child who had a very bad day.
Josh’s Point of View:
It wasn’t my fault; none of it was. I’d like that clearly stated at the outset. I do
what I do, and on some days it’s just not enough. But today, nothing went
right and thanks to Donna, all I could think about was moving to Australia.
It all started yesterday. The President was supposed to read a story to the
kids at a school he was visiting; which is all well and good. President Santos
is heavy into education reform bill that’s coming up for a vote, so it’s a great
photo op.
Then it came to the selection of the book. This was a group of
kindergarteners. How the hell was I supposed to pick out a book for 5 year
olds? Wait, they are five in kindergarten, right? I’m pretty sure. Anyway, at
that point I asked Donna to step in and find an appropriate book. She, in
turn, enlisted Miranda’s help and together they picked this book called
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. The
President practiced the book with me in the car, on the way to the school
and then I had to listen to him read it again to the class. Now, it’s kind of
stuck in my brain.
It’s about this kid who wakes up one morning and everything goes wrong
from start to finish. Every time something bad happens, he decides he’s
going to move to Australia. I don’t know why he picks Australia. I mean, it’s a
nice enough place. I’ve been there a couple times. But it’s a freakishly long
plane ride and they have to answer to the monarch in England; we shook
that off 200 years ago. I’m just saying…
My alarm didn’t go off this morning even though I followed Donna’s
directions precisely. She’s on the west coast with the First Lady and
selfishly decided she’d rather sleep through the night rather than wake up
at 2am her time to wake me up here. Since I was running late, I had no time
to stop for breakfast and was cranky and starved by the time I got to the
White House…I wonder what they have for breakfast in Australia.
My staff all gave me grief for being late to my own staff meeting; even the
President stepped in to add his two cents. Carol got me a muffin from the
mess (Donna has her well trained) but the entire bottom was burnt…I bet
they never burn muffins in Australia.
Then I had a meeting in the mural room with the House Minority Leader
Davis who informed me that we’d lost 11 votes on 182…overnight. And he
couldn’t even tell me all 11 names of the men and women whose asses I’m
going to have to kick…or have Sam kick. So I asked Davis, in a very nice
but firm tone, how the fucking hell he could have lost 11 votes and what
kind of brain dead moron would come to the Chief of Staff with that
information without even knowing which 11 votes he lost. Then he stormed
out of the mural room without even giving me the 8 names the moron was
able to put together.
So, still hungry and now even more cranky, I went down to the mess to get
something to eat; but the cook wouldn’t give me what I asked for. He said,
“Miss Moss made me promise to stick to the approved menu items”. I am
arguably, the 2nd most important person in the Government and I can’t get
what I want for breakfast? By the time I got back to my office, Lou was
waiting for me pacing back and forth in front of my desk.
“We’ve got a problem.” She announced.
“I know, but Davis only has 8 of the 11 names.” I replied and sat down at my
desk. “Carol, get the House Minority Leader on the phone for me.” I
shouted.
“What are you talking about?” Lou asked.
“The 11 votes we’re down on 182. What are you talking about?” I asked
back.
“We’re down ELEVEN votes on 182?!” Lou exploded.
“Keep it down, Lou, my head is about to explode.” I implored.
“Josh? What did you say to Davis?” Carol asked from the doorway.
“I asked him how he lost the votes and asked for the names.” I replied.
“Uh-huh.” Carol looks at me disbelievingly.
“Could I have some aspirin please?” I was close to begging.
“He won’t take your calls.” Carol announced.
“Ever?” I tried to joke but neither woman laughed.
“The quote I got from his assistant who spoke to his executive admin, said
something about not speaking to you until hell froze over or Donna got
back…whichever came first.”
“Donna’s a little too busy to handle Josh’s personal/social issues right now.”
Lou spoke directly to Carol like I wasn’t even there.
“What happened with the First Lady?” Carol asked in dread. The First Lady
is tremendously popular but she hasn’t quite learned the balancing act
required of her yet.
“She gave a quote to the Chronicle. She said, “The fact that we still aren’t
inspecting the majority of materials coming through the ports in California
leaves this country unprotected and we need to correct that security lapse
immediately.” Lou read the quote from her pad of paper.
“Dear. God. Is this day never going to end?” I asked the ceiling rhetorically,
then shifted my gaze back to Carol. “Ask Sam to contact Davis and work
with him on our 11 fence jumpers.” Carol nodded. “And get Donna on the
phone for me!” I shout after her.
“The press is all over this.” Lou told me. “What do you want the statement
from the White House to say?”
“I…let me talk to Donna first. Maybe there was a ramp up or something we
can hang our hat on.”
“Yeah…maybe you should let me do that. Or Edie?” Lou suggested.
“Why?”
“I think that having the COS look into one, off the cuff remark, that the First
Lady gave in California really elevates it beyond where I’d feel comfortable.”
“Why didn’t I think of that?” I wondered out loud.
“I think you might be a little peeved about 182 at the moment. You should
focus on that.”
“Right. Carol!” I shouted again.
“I don’t think Davis is going to go for the apology basket.” Carol called back.
“Why the hell not?”
“You’ve sent it too many times before and…is it possible you called him a
brain dead moron?” Carol inquired.
Lou moaned.
“I don’t recall exactly.” I told them quietly.
“You should really save that phrase for depositions, Josh.” Lou advised me.
“Does anyone know what the average temperature is in Australia?” I asked.
Both women stared at me and then shared a concerned look among
themselves.
“He hasn’t eaten today.” Carol theorized.
“Get him some pizza or something stat.” Lou ordered.
“Donna was pretty specific about-“ Carol started.
“This is an emergency. I’ll take responsibility.” Lou confirmed and Carol
nodded.
Thank God. Real food. If I could just have five minutes of peace maybe I
could get my act together and turn this day around.
The slam of the door between my office and the Oval made me jump.
“What the hell is going on, Josh?” The President demanded and I hastily
stood up.
“Sir?” I was careful not to make a specific reply since I’m not sure which
blunder he’s referring to.
“How did we lose 11 votes and why are you pissing off Davis again?”
“Actually, he pissed me off…sir. We need someone else in that spot. He
doesn’t have the leadership and he doesn’t have a handle on the voting.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s an issue for another day.” The President noted. “We
have 72 hours before a major education vote and as of now we’re 11 votes
down!”
“Yes…yes, we are..” I’m thinking about the number of painful ways a person
who lost 11 votes without knowing who the 11 votes are, can die. I have
Secret Service at my disposal now, you know. “Australia has an amazing
Early Childhood Education system. We should go there and check it out,
sir.”
Then the President and Lou exchanged concerned looks.
“But then there’s that Monarchy piece again.” I argued with myself.
“Sam is on 182, Mr. President.” Lou replied leaving me free to ruminate
about whether or not I could live under a Constitutional Monarchy. “We’ll
bring you an update shortly.”
“Ohhhhhkay.” The President took Lou at her word and retreated back to his
office.
“You.” She turned back to me. “Eat some food, take a nap, make voodoo
dolls of Davis; whatever it takes to get your head back in the game.” And
abruptly left me.
I really thought I’d be doing this with Leo…and Donna. But Leo isn’t here
and Donna is in the East Wing. I started researching Australia on my
laptop. When Carol brought me my pizza I quickly devoured it as I took
notes on my research.
“Donna’s on line 2!” Carol shouted at me.
“Donnatella. “ How pathetic is it that I need to hear her voice right now?
“I’m taking care of it, Joshua.” She replied before I could say even one more
word. “It will be a non story.”
“I know it will. You’re very good at your job.” I told her.
“Are you okay?” Donna asked. “Your voice sounds funny. What are you
eating?”
“Pizza.”
“Put Carol on the phone.” Donna insisted.
“Lou ordered it.” I explained. “Did you know that the Great Barrier Reef is
over 1,200 miles long?”
“Yes...actually I did.” Donna paused. “Josh, it’s just a book; a children’s
book about how to cope with a bad day.”
“I think it has far reaching implications for everyone Donna...If only there
wasn’t the Constitutional Monarchy bit.”
“Right...Josh you need to buckle in. I’m hearing you’ve got problems with
182 and the First Lady’s comments are going to make a ripple in your day.
Get off Wikipedia and work with Sam on 182.”
“They have 76 Senators and 150 House Members. That’s a total of 226
members versus our 435 members. My job would be so much easier.” I
continued.
“But then there’s that pesky Queen.” Donna reminded me.
“Shit...I can almost forget that part and then...bam!”
“Josh...what’s going on?” She wasn’t talking about Australia now and I knew
it.
“It’s too much, Donna.” I admitted.
“Josh...”
“I mean it, Donna. It’s too much.”
“It’s just a bad day.”
“Another bad day in a series of bad days.” I shot back.
“It’s the beginning of a new administration, Joshua. Did you think just
because you’ve worked in the White House, this would be a cake walk?
Come on, you’re much too smart for that.”
“I thought I was too smart to be in a constant mode of putting out fires.” I
explained. “Australia’s population has quadrupled since World War 1.”
“That’s a lot of new voters.” Donna commented.
“You aren’t kidding. But the Australian Democrats are still a minority party.
Though for solidarity’s sake I could probably align with the labor party.”
“Well...you’re open minded like that.” She added. She didn’t fool me. She
was just agreeing with me while I ran out of steam on Australia, but I still had
Wikipedia open.
“We should really check out the Great Barrier Reef.” I suggested.
“If only it wasn’t, you know, outdoors and underwater.” She agreed again.
“You’re a downer today, you know that?” I nearly shouted. “Maybe I’ll send
Davis to Australia. A few months working for the Queen should make him a
little more pliable over here.”
“You need to teach him, Josh. He’s new in his position too.”
“That’s what Leo was going to do! He was going to do the Congressional
hand holding. He was going to help me hang on to the reigns! Things are
blowing up every day in my office, Donna; every day!”
“I know.”
“And Helen Santos isn’t exactly helping either!”
“I know.”
“The President just expects everything to roll his way now that we’re here
and that’s just plain unrealistic!”
“I know.”
“Yeah...well, I taught you a lot then, I guess.” My rant turned into a bit of a
whine.
“You really did. When I got to Nashua, I didn’t have a clue. Now, I’m Chief of
Staff to the First Lady of the United States. I worked really hard for this, but
you taught me a lot...Just like you’ll teach Davis, and Mrs. Santos, and even
the President.”
“You think so, do you?”
“I really do.” Donna replied with an assurance that I sure didn’t feel.
“I’m still thinking about moving to Australia.”
“Maybe we should take a vacation there first; kind of get the lay of the land
before we think about moving there.”
“You’d move there with me?”
“I go where you go.” She told me and made me smile despite the
depression I was wallowing in.
“Go fix the thing with the First Lady, will you? And just for your information,
the alarm clock isn’t working.”
“Uh-huh.” Donna just agreed yet again. She really is quite brilliant. “We’ll
get a new one when I get back. Just don’t go to Australia without me. Love
you.”
“I love you too.” After I hung up the phone, I started to map out my plan.
“Carol, I’m going to the Hill and I’m taking Sam with me.”
“Did the Secret Service okay this, cause I think some of the people on the
hill are planning your demise.”
“Nevertheless, to the hill I go. The President needs 11 votes, and I’m going
to personally deliver them.”
“Ooookay.” Carol just kept on typing. I honestly don’t think she believes me,
but she’s not outright contradicting me, which is one step up from my former
assistant.
“Samuel. Hang up the phone and take a ride with me.” I ordered.
“I’m trying to get-“
“I know what you’re trying to get. Hang up the phone. We’re getting the
names and the votes in person.” I explained. Sam looked a little frightened.
“Is your detail going with us?” He asked.
“Come on...” I don’t even dignify that with an answer.
When we arrive at the minority leaders office, there is quite a bit of
scurrying around. Davis may be pissed as hell at me, but when the White
House Chief of Staff and his Deputy show up in your office, they get time
with you. End of story. At least Davis know this much. Within 15 seconds of
our unannounced arrival, Davis is in the outer office inviting us inside for a
private discussion.
I figure I might as well get the unpleasantness started. “It occurred to me,
after our...discussion this morning, that this is all very new to you. You were
trying to relay some important information to me and I blew up at you
because you didn’t have everything I needed to know. I’m...sorry about that.
We’re going to need to work closely together over the next two years,
because by the midterms, I want us to have taken back the House. The only
way we accomplish that is by working as a finely tuned machine. And that
only happens if we each understand what function we each have in the
machine. So I brought Sam here with me, so we could all get on the same
page. That work for you?”
“Yes, sir, it does.” Davis sat up a little taller. “I don’t know how we lost 11,
the last count I got from the Whip’s office had our votes solid.”
“The Whip’s office is our next stop. Here’s what we need from you...” I
outlined how the communication and the White House power play was going
to work. We talked about how the different ‘fence sitters’ on both sides of
the aisle would be approached and dealt with. Sam was going to be the
enforcer with Davis playing good cop and I got to play the executioner.
When we left, Davis had his marching orders and even shook my hand.
Next, came the Whip’s office, and even though we’d done this during
transition, we sat down with the entire staff and went through the
procedures again.
Buoyed by this false sense of security, I walked confidently out into the halls
of the Capitol and was accosted by reporters wanting a comment about the
education bill, which I handled perfectly...Then they asked about the First
Lady’s statement.
“The First Lady is rightly concerned with the safety and security of the
entire country, but she’s not so stupid as to imply her husband wasn’t
providing enough security.”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt sick; Sam groaned.
“What I obviously meant was...” The shouting from every reporter
surrounding us deafened me to all the individual follow-ups. Admitting
defeat, I just shook my head and went quickly to the town car waiting for us.
“That could have gone better.” Sam finally spoke. He looked so earnest
and eager to make me feel better that I just burst out laughing. Soon, he
was laughing right along with me. When we got back to the White House,
we went our separate ways and Carol caught me before I even got in my
door.
“The President wants to see you right away.”
“Of course he does.”
“Ronna didn’t say what it was about though.”
“Probably about me calling his wife stupid.” I muttered.
“You’re really on a roll today, aren’t you?” Carol asked.
“It seems that I am. You ever been to Australia, Carol?”
“I’ve been a Government employee for the last 9 years.” Carol answered.
“Fair point.” I acknowledged before I knocked on the door to the Oval and
entered.
“You asked to see me, sir?”
“What are we doing to fix 182?” He asked not looking up from a briefing
memo he was reading.
“WE aren’t doing anything, sir. My team is handling it. You’ll appear when it’
s time to take a victory lap and not before.”
“Am I going to be able to take a victory lap on this one, Josh?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You sound pretty sure for someone who’s 11 votes down.” He noted.
“That’s my job, Mr. President.”
“I know how big an ordeal this has been, but I really wanted a big step on
education this session.”
“I understand, sir.”
“What I’m saying is, you warned me that this might be a bigger bite than we
can chew, if we can’t make it happen this time around...well, we’ll get it next
time.”
This was a new tune. I’d heard nothing from the President except getting
this education reform through. Now he’s telling me no big deal?
“Sir?”
“You’ve just seemed a little...stressed lately. I mean, beyond your usual
level of intensity. You always sound so confident that you can handle
everything I’m throwing at you, that sometimes I forget this job is new to
you; and you’re getting stuff thrown at you from other people too.”
“I don’t work for other people. I serve at the pleasure of the President of the
United States.” I stated clearly. I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle
this job.
“And it’s a job you do very well. I’m just saying, that if we can’t wrangle
those 11 votes back, I’ll understand.”
“We’ll get the votes, sir. We’re just working out the kinks in our ground
game. We’ll get better at this. Was there anything else?”
“No, that’s it. We have the security briefing in a half hour.”
“Yes, sir.” I said heading out the door.
“Oh, and Josh?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Just how stupid is my wife?”
I didn’t even answer. I just quietly hit my head against the door.
“See you in 30, Josh.” He called out as I entered my office and firmly shut
the door behind me.
“I thought we agreed that you would not be handling the press. I mean at
all. In fact, I believe it was a condition of my employment.”
“I wasn’t handling the gaggle, Lou, they blindsided me outside the Capitol
doors. What do you want from me?”
“Silence. Whenever press is around; silence is what I’d like from you.”
“Excuse me, but when did the pecking order change around here? Last
time I checked, I was the Chief of staff and you worked for me.” I shouted.
“But when you-“
“I do what I do. Sometimes, that’s going to give you a headache or two, but
guess what? That’s your job. Just like it’s my job to handle the headaches
that the President or the First Lady gives me. If you can’t handle it quit;
otherwise, handle it! Are we on the same page? Can we be men here?”
Instead of the tirade about feminism that I expected from her, Lou just
nodded her head and left.
I sat through the Security briefing on Kazakhstan and as I stared at the
map, my eyes kept drifting to Australia; an island unto itself. Maybe that’s
what the kid found appealing about it. I bet he didn’t know about the
Constitutional Monarchy bit.
“Josh?” The President called me back from my mental musings.
“Sir?”
“I was saying that the estimates look a little low to me. Are these the latest
figures from Defense?”
“They are, sir.” I hesitated a moment. “We’re gathering additional
intelligence as we speak.”
The silent signal I sent him seemed to be received and he didn’t ask
anything further until we were alone again.
“Are you going to tell me why my Secretary of Defense is deflating the
numbers in his reports to me?”
“This isn’t just about Kazakhstan, sir. There are...politics involved here that
you need to keep in mind. The Secretary of Defense can compile numbers
but there is a large range to them in which he can claim professional
judgment.”
“So he’s going to manipulate the report to make himself look better?”
“Or you worse.” I pointed out. My headache was growing and I had senior
staff in 10 minutes. “I’ve got two more people coming in later today to give
you a more...unbiased assessment, but it would make both our lives
infinitely easier if you didn’t mention that meeting to anyone else.”
“This stuff is going to get easier, right?”
“I can only hope so, sir.”
*************************
Senior staff is filled with quibbling and blame laying over the vote. Lou,
though, is uncharacteristically quiet. She seems to have quieted down the
First Lady’s quote as well as mine; she’s very good at her job. Finally, I
whistle to get everyone’s attention.
“I remember once when President Bartlet asked Charlie for two aspirin and
a weapon of some kind to kill people with. That’s where I’m at right now.
This is not working for me. And it’s not working for this administration. I’m
tired of having bad days. This is how it’s going to work from now on...” I laid
out the strict rules that were going to be enforced during senior staff
meetings from now on and then passed out assignments before sending
them on their merry way.
The average temperature in Australia is hot but bearable. I wrack my brain
but I can’t for the life of me remember why the kid decides not to go to
Australia. It was at the very end of the story. Why can’t I remember the
ending?
The day dragged on with fire after fire that I had to put out but with Donna
gone, I didn’t feel any impetus to leave either. I sent Carol home at 9, then
found out the files I needed were locked up in her file cabinet and I couldn’t
find the key. Ok, I could handle that, I thought. I’d simply continue to work
on the files already on my desk; there were enough of them. Since Carol
was gone, I took advantage of the fact that I had no one watching me and
got myself a big cup of coffee...the regular kind.
I set it down on my desk after taking a delightful swallow and leaned back in
my chair. I love this time of night at the White House; when there wasn’t an
emergency. It was relatively quiet and there was a feeling of...anticipation
about what was going to happen next. I closed my eyes and took a deep
breath just as someone knocked loudly on my door. I jumped and knocked
the coffee over everything on my desk. I didn’t even move to clean it up it
was just the latest in my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Then the
other shoe dropped. A member of the White House medical staff was in his
doorway with a little black bag.
“Let me guess...” I let my head fall back. “Donna Moss asked you to stop by
and check my blood pressure.”
“Yes, sir.” He said unapologetically and instructed me to roll up my sleeve. I
got up and tossed a few paper towels on the mess that was my desk and
sat on the couch. Big shock; my blood pressure was unusually high. The
doctor suggested going home to rest. Since I could no longer read anything
on my desk, and I didn’t have access to anything else, I decided to follow
his suggestion. The earlier this day ended the better. “Did you know some
of the aboriginal tribes in Australia had better success treating disease with
their homeopathic cures than Western medicine has?”
“Really?” the Doctor asked.
“Maybe. I’ll find out for you when I move to Australia.” I grabbed my jacket
and my backpack and went home. There was nothing to eat and I didn’t
want to order in for just me. It would just make me more lonesome for
Donna.
There was no reason to stay up any longer, so I got into a cold, lonely bed
by myself. When we move to Australia, Donna and I will ALWAYS sleep
together and with their warm year round temperatures, the bed will never
be cold.
I fell into a restless sleep and had nightmares about doing press
conferences and my blood pressure breaking the blood pressure cuff; all
the while Donna stood in the back of the room shaking her head sadly at
me.
I was awakened out of this horrible dream by the phone at 6:30 in the
morning.
“helro?” I mumbled into the receiver...mostly.
“Mr. Lyman, this is your morning wake up call.”
“What?” I was at a hotel? What the hell? I sat up a bit to take in my
surroundings. This was definitely my room, even though it was missing
someone terribly important. This was going to be another terrible day.
“Josh, are you there?” Donna said in my ear.
“Donna?” I asked incredulously.
“I’m gone 36 hours and you’ve already forgotten the sound of my voice?”
she laughed in my ear and the sound sent warmth through my entire body.
“God, I miss you.” I blurted out and she chuckled.
“I miss you too; just two more days. Now it’s time for you to get up and start
yours.”
“You got up in the middle of the night just to give me a wakeup call?”
“I didn’t want you to have another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.”
She joked. “I can’t have you leaving for Australia without me.”
“How do you know it’s not going to be another bad day?”
“Well, you’re not going to sleep through your alarm for a start, and I’ve
arranged for breakfast to be sent to your office in an hour for another. Plus,
I had a long talk with the First Lady, and we’ll be staying strictly on message
for the duration of our visit here.”
“That will certainly help.” I agreed.
“It will indeed. Now get up, take your shower and turn on CNN when you get
a chance. I love you.” She told me right before she hung up. I’d barely
taken a step out of bed when the phone rang again.
“I love you too.” I answered and there was dead silence.
“Mr. Lyman?” A male voice inquired.
“Who is this?”
“It’s Davis, sir.”
“I wasn’t talking to you just then. I was...” Never mind.
“I’m sorry if I woke you, but I didn’t want to wait another minute to give you
this news.”
“Ah-kay. Is this news going to make me cry, Davis?” I asked.
“It might.” Davis answered but he was laughing. Was this man some kind of
sadist?
“What’s the news?”
“We’ve got 16 confirmed votes for 182.” He was outright laughing now.
“But...we were down 11.” I remind him.
“I know, but we followed the strategy you and Mr. Seaborn set out, and we
just kept rolling with it after we got the 11 we needed and picked up five
more. And the best part is...”
“There’s a better part than that?”
“8 of the votes are from the other side of the aisle. We’ve got enough
Republican support now to tout this bill as bi-partisan!”
“Davis. You know before when I said ‘I love you’ and then told you I wasn’t
talking to you?”
“Yes, sir?”
“I lied. I am completely in love with you.” And Davis laughed again telling me
he knew I wasn’t coming on to him.
“Yes, sir.”
“And it’s Josh.” I corrected him and that made him pause. “Really good
work, Davis. The President is going to hear all about your effort on this
one.”
“Our effort, sir...I mean, Josh.” Davis replied.
“Our effort. I’ll be in touch.” I promised and hung up the phone with a great,
albeit unfamiliar, feeling of pride about that conversation. Then I
remembered Donna’s instructions about turning on CNN and gasped out
loud when I saw the ticker.
‘Tropical Cyclone Ophelia has hit Australia causing considerable property
damage and huge power outages throughout the affected region.’
I shook my head at the damage and the chaos following the storm. Then it
hit me; the ending of the book. Everybody has bad days sometimes; even
in Australia.
The End.
http://kennedy-center.org/multimedia/storytimeonline/alexander.html