3.
“I just wanted to thank you again, Donna, for letting the twins be in the wedding.” Ellie says
as we drive back to the White House. As I was leaving with the kids before, Ellie came
tearing down the hall, secret service swiftly in tow, begging me to take her with me for a
little while. I think the spotlight is getting to her right now. She’s always “Bartlet’s Missing
Daughter,” and does a very good job of staying out of view, so she’s very much out of her
element right now.
Since I’m now well versed and accustomed to how things work when one hangs out with the
First Daughter, I tossed one of her agents my car keys. Rule number one of driving with
the First Daughter: you don’t drive, the secret service does, and I’m fine with that! But now
we’re returning to the White House in the secret service’s car that they trailed us in.
“Oh I’m glad they are, Ellie.” I assure quickly. “I think they look adorable all dressed up and
CJ brought the cutest bow for Briana. I’m honored you asked!”
“But I know Josh was apprehensive.” She says with a slight cringe.
“He is.” I nod. “But we’ve taken care of it. They’ll be in all the formal pictures and then we
have most of the wedding party on standby to block them from view of the paparazzi. Josh’
s mom will have an FBI escort when she goes home --” I continue and Ellie’s eyes widen in
horror.
“They’ll need an FBI escort?!”
“NO!” I quickly assure. “It’s just some off duty friends of Mike’s doing Josh a favor.”
“I honestly never thought of them having their picture in papers all over the world or future
White House news reels and all that. I never even considered…”
“It’s okay.” I smile. “Josh did.” And it’s caused him no small amount of hysteria. “And we’re
doing all we can to make that a minimum. If Josh were that worried, they wouldn’t be in the
wedding. But I’m glad they are. Aunt Ellie and Uncle Mike mean the world to them.”
“Well I hope mine and Mike’s kids will be just as wonderful as they are.”
“You might not think that after tomorrow!” I laugh.
“I can’t believe it’s here already!” she sighs and falls back against the seat. “I can’t believe
after all this media attention he still wants to marry me.”
“Ellie, you’re not going to have the media attention on you your whole life.” I reply. “And I
think Mike has done a great job keeping people away.”
“He’s very protective.” She nods.
“He just loves you to pieces.” I smile.
“Isn’t it funny, Donna?” she smiles in return. “In my life, I never would have imagined me
with a guy like Mike. His job is sometimes very dangerous. He works for my dad, for crying
out loud! He swears like a truck driver, could care less about any of the artistic events that
I like to go to, he’s incredibly smart, but not as cerebral as me, if that makes any sense. I
don’t care about sports, or movies with explosions or whether or not the fridge has beer in
it. We’re polar opposites.”
“Well so are Josh and I.” I say. “Opposites attract.”
“I guess so. He’s terrified of my dad.” She says with a chuckle.
“Most father-in-laws don’t bring armed guards and the 101st Airborne with them.”
“I’m just constantly amazed he’s put up with all that.”
“It’s a testament to how much he loves you, that’s for sure.”
“But what’s the greatest is all that stuff just doesn’t matter to me; the fact that we’re not
interested in the same things because he accepts that and loves me for me. Even if I am a
‘raging nerd’ sometimes.”
We laugh together and it feels good. “Josh has been known to call me the same thing.
‘Freakish’ is what he calls my gift for retaining random information.”
“I get it from my dad.” Ellie smiles wistfully and as usual the awkward silence follows. Ellie
loves her dad more than anyone in the world I think, but they have a very hard time
relating to each other. They have many of the same traits, but don’t hold any of the same
interests. I’ve gotten the distinct impression a few times that they frequently butt heads.
Mike says there’s been a number of times that he’s witnessed all out screaming matches
between them that usually end with Ellie storming off. It’s sad to see two people who love
each other so much, have such a hard time at a relationship.
“I just hope Mike can handle the pressure.” She says softly and looks down at her hands.
“I don’t know.” I say thoughtfully and Ellie looks up at me. “From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t
seem like the same expectations are on Mike that are on your sister’s husband.”
“I’m not really sure what it is about Doug that my dad doesn’t really like, but he puts up with
him because Liz loves him. I think Doug tried too hard and often tried to be something he’s
not. That makes my dad nuts.”
“I think your dad just likes that Mike has a gun and a badge.” I chuckle.
“Those are definitely points in Mike’s favor.” She smiles as we pull up to the White House
and the secret service opens the car doors for us. As we enter the lobby we stop abruptly
as we see Matt and Mike pushing a covered cart and Josh hurrying them along, clearly
looking guilty.
“Donna…” Ellie says, her eyes trained on the now vacant door of the corridor leading to
the Oval Office and West Wing.
“Yeah.”
“You did say you succeeded in 86-ing the strippers, right?”
“I believe Josh’s words were `Thanks a lot, Donna, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I let
strippers in the White House’.” I confirm.
“So what do you suppose THAT was?” she asks gesturing to the doorway the boys just left
through.
“I’m not sure I want to know.” I sigh heavily.
Ellie turns to one of her agents. “Why don’t you go find out?”
“Ma’am?” the agent asks surprised.
“Go find out what that was, Steve.” She says.
“Ma’am, I don’t do that kind of recon work for you.”
“C’mon.” she pleads. “You can just ask Mark on my dad’s detail then.”
The agent sighs dramatically and talks into his wrist, pauses a moment and then presses a
finger to his earpiece. “It’s classified, ma’am.”
“Classified!” We chorus.
“That’s what Agent Winters said.”
“That’s crap!” I protest. I’m just about to stomp off to the Oval Office – hey, I got the First
Daughter with me, it’s not like I’d be storming the thing – when I hear behind me,
“Good evening, ladies.”
I smile and turn around as Chris greets us. He takes turns kissing first Ellie and then me. “I
didn’t get to greet you properly at the thing. Ellie, you are every bit the beautiful bride.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Ellie says and surprises both me and Chris then gestures dramatically
to the West Wing. “Go down to Leo McGarry’s office and find out what was in that cart.”
“What?” He looks at her in total bewilderment.
“Matt, Josh and Mike just wheeled a covered cart back there. I was promised no strippers. I
don’t ask for much. Go back there and make sure there are NO skanky hussies back
there.”
“Are you serious?” he gapes and receives her glare…which by the way exactly mirrors the
Presidential glare which I’m told you NEVER want to be on the receiving end of. “Okay,
okay!” he holds up his hands in surrender and walks away, passing Amy Gardner who is
just emerging from the West Wing. He stops and pecks her on the cheek before continuing.
“Speaking of skanky hussies….” I mutter and Ellie stifles a laugh as Amy approaches us
with her fake smile.
“Ellie, I hope you don’t mind, your mom showed me your dress before, it’s beautiful.” She
says and Ellie smiles indulgently.
“No, I don’t mind at all.”
I briefly wonder if Amy tried to spill something on it and then feel kinda bad about always
thinking bad things about her. But I can’t help it! Her constant presence and influence on
Chris is messing everything up!
Josh and Chris are still on speaking terms, but it quickly gets strained as inevitably politics
comes up or Chris will say “Amy said to…” Things with Chris and Matt aren’t much better.
Chris is quite obviously in the Vice President’s camp. I don’t think he hates the idea of Matt’
s run for the White House, but I think he’s still hurt by Josh and Matt keeping it a secret
from everyone…well, everyone but me.
“And I think the kids are going to be just adorable.” Amy tosses over to me.
“They’re very excited.” I smile sweetly. How dare this viper talk about my kids!?
We’re saved from further discussion by the abrupt appearance of Mike storming into the
lobby with two mugs which he thrusts at me and Ellie, beer spills over the rims and
splashes a bit on the floor.
“It. Is. A. Keg. Eleanor!” He barks and then turns and starts walking away. “Take a pill!” But
then he stops abruptly, turns back and drops his voice, and kisses her on the cheek. “I
love you, sweetie; I can’t wait for tomorrow.”
Then he disappears.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
4.
With one last shove, I collapse into the chair in the residence, huffing for breath. I guess I
can see Leo’s point. The keg really shouldn’t be in his office, but how I got elected to haul
it up here…
“Where is everybody?” The president asks.
“They’ll be here, sir.” I report. “The party doesn’t officially start for another half hour.”
“Ah, we’re the pre-party.” He decides as Mike, Matt and Chris join us. “All the important
people are here.”
“Good evening, Mr. President.” Mike greets his future father in law. The others follow suit.
“Just the man I was looking for.” President Bartlet booms and puts an arm around Mike
drawing him away from the crowd but a little closer to me. “I wanted to tell you again that I’m
sorry your future brother in law couldn’t be bothered to come tonight. You shouldn’t read
anything into it.”
“I won’t, sir.”
“Doug’s a pinhead and there’s really nothing I can do about that; although I ask the Secret
Service about the possibility of an accident before nearly every family gathering.”
Mike’s eyes get wide and his face pales a bit at this, but the President doesn’t seem to
notice.
“You’re my favorite son in law, Mike.”
“I kind of got that feeling, Mr. President, but considering the competition…”
“It’s not exactly saying much?” The President guesses. “All of my daughters have special
gifts and traits that make them unique, but my Ellie has always been…introverted to the
point that I worried about her. I’ve seen her come out of her shell more and speak up about
things that are important to her. That’s because of your influence. You’ve made her feel
important and loved and there’s nothing more a father can ever hope for, for their
daughter.”
“She’s done the same for me, sir.” Mike answers honestly. “I love her more than anything
or anybody.”
“And it shows; in both of you.” The President nods. “However, my fondness for you isn’t
going to stop me from taking every nickel you have tonight so that you’re forced to
honeymoon in the residence.”
Mike does a double take before President Bartlet bursts out in laughter. “He fell for it, Leo!”
He calls out to his Chief of Staff as Leo joins us as well.
“And I thought members of the FBI were so smart.” Leo quips.
“In fairness to Mike, we already started drinking.” I chime in.
“Well, that can dull the senses.” Leo allows. “I ought to know.”
“I’ve got a special stash for you, sir.” I tell him and reveal a cooler packed with O’Douls and
a variety of soft drinks.
“You’re a good boy, Joshua.” Leo tells me and helps himself to a can. One by one the guys
start to trickle in. I have never seen men so reluctant to come to a bachelor party before. It
might be the presence of the Secret Service and the President of the United States putting
them off, but we’ve got a bar and kick ass buffet all set up here already. We should get the
poker started so everybody gets into to the swing of things.
“What are you doing?” Donna shrieks from the doorway.
“We’re having our bachelor party.” I reply.
“Joshua! We’re having our bachelorette party in here. We had the buffet set up and
everything!”
“Oh…that was for you guys?”
“Josh!”
“I thought the President set it up for us.” I explain.
“Right!” Donna does NOT sound convinced. Okay, maybe the President lacks
the…foresight to have ordered food for us but still, the guys need to eat.
“We have to feed the guys something, and since we had to cancel the food at the hotel
because somebody…”
“Fine!” Donna huffs. “We will move our party, but I am not happy about it, Joshua, and you
know what it means when I am NOT HAPPY.” She turns on her heel and walks back to the
doorway to explain to the ladies that there’s been a change in plans. Shit. That was an
unexpectedly bad consequence.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“I am SO sorry, Ellie. My husband is an idiot.” I explain as we replenish trays with food for
her guests who will be arriving in minutes.
“It’s okay, Donna.” Ellie chuckles. “Their evening did get kind of get short circuited.”
“You are far too forgiving.” I tell her.
“Look around us, Donna.” She indicates the White House. “Mike has jumped through more
hoops than any five fiancés would normally have to. Let them have their fun tonight.
Tomorrow we’re going to be scheduled from breakfast to bedtime.” Then Ellie realizes what
she said and blushes prettily.
“If you say so…but Josh isn’t quite off the hook for his part in all this.” I maintain.
“There you are! Everyone is looking for you!” Mrs. Bartlet calls out to Ellie who rolls her
eyes.
“Just 24 more hours and I’ll be out of this circus for awhile.” Ellie mutters to me. “I’m
coming, Mom.”
“Look who’s here!” Abbey directs us and Lizzie Bartlet Weston waltzes in.
“Liz! I didn’t think we’d see you until tomorrow!” Ellie hugs her sister and Liz returns it a little
more desperately than one would expect.
“Are you kidding? And miss my sister’s last night as a single woman?” Lizzie shoots back.
“You look radiant!”
“You’re full of it, but I’m so glad you’re here. Now I have both my sisters with me.” Ellie
beams with an arm around each of them.
“Now that everyone is here, let the festivities begin.” I announce and with a little help we
take our refreshments into the theater for chick flicks.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I have a little trouble opening the movie screening room’s doors. That’s never happened to
me before. It’s possible that I’m a little drunk. Oh! There’s Donna!
“Donna!” All the women in the theater turn around to look at me. That might have been a
little loud.
“Joshua Lyman, you already stole the residence and our food. What more could you
possibly want?” She whisper shouts at me. That means that she’s really pissed but she
doesn’t want everyone else to know how pissed she is. This is good for me.
“Money…? Please?” The ‘please’ is belated, but I remembered before she prompted me so
it still counts.
“MONEY!” Now she shouts all the way and everyone turns around to look at us again.
“Hi…ladies.” I wave and they turn back to the movie. What the HELL are they watching?
“What the hell are you watching?”
“Thelma and Louise.” She informs me and I cringe. Guys do NOT like Thelma and Louise.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I watch him pale at the words ‘Thelma and Louise’. Guys hate Thelma and Louise. For
some reason they consider it emasculating and usually make a hasty retreat once they
hear what’s playing. That’s what I’m going for here. Then I remember his request for money.
“I thought you brought $200 tonight for the game.” That was our agreed upon amount.
“I did.”
“What happened to it?”
“The President took it.” He whines. “I just need a little more to win some back.”
“Or lose some more.”
“Always a possibility in the world of professional gambling, Donna.” He shakes his head
sadly. “But I have to stay in the game to help Mike. If I’m out, then it’s just the President and
Mike and the President already threatened to take all of Mike’s money so he’d have to
honeymoon at the White House. So really I’m trying to help Ellie here too.”
“I’m really impressed you can get that all out considering how drunk you are right now Josh
Lyman.”
“Donna…Just another hundred.” He pouts.
“Absolutely not.” It’s my turn to shake my head sadly.
“It’s for Ellie!”
“It’s for your ego.” I refute. “Besides, it’s all an act.”
“No, I really am quite drunk.” He insists.
“Not that, idiot boy. The poker game. The President fixed things so it would come down to
him and Mike and the President will lose to Mike in the end, so Mike ends up with everyone’
s money.” I explain.
“I’M paying for Mike and Ellie’s honeymoon?” He asks all confused. He’s quite cute all
drunk and confused.
“It would appear so.” I agree. “Go back to the game. Concede gracefully and President
Bartlet will take care of the rest.”
“Okay, fine. But I still think I could win our money back.” He turns to go but then stops
abruptly. “Wait a second…”
“What?”
“This is NOT Thelma and Louise.” He accuses.
“It will be shortly. I’d hurry out if I were you.” And without another word, he does precisely
that.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Life doesn’t get any better than this. I’m surrounded by friends, although it’s a little dicey
between a few of them, I’m marrying the woman of my dreams tomorrow, and I’m about to
spend my honeymoon in the residence. See, I thought the President was just kidding about
that, but he’s been weeding out one after another at the table until now when it’s just the
President, Josh and me. Josh ran out of cash a little bit ago and went to find Donna to beg
for more. He is so whipped! We’ve been waiting for his return for about 20 minutes now.
“Mike? Want some more of this chips and salsa?” Matt asks.
“Why not?” I shrug and Matt delivers a new plate to me at the poker table.
“Don’t forget to tip your waiter.” Chris snarks and grabs another beer. Things have been
okay between Chris and Matt so far tonight, but the more he drinks the more belligerent he
seems to get. Matt, who hasn’t had much to drink at all tonight simply blows him off. I’m
glad.
“I’m back!” Josh sings…sort of and sits back down at the table with us. Well, he sits down
after his first attempt lands him on the floor. Leo bursts out laughing.
“Problems, son?” He smirks. It’s disturbing to see Josh’s smirk on Leo’s face.
“No, no. I’m fine.” Josh assures us and now Matt joins in on the chuckling. “I…fold.” Josh
dramatically lays his cards on the table then gets up to get more food from the buffet.
“You fold?” The President confirms.
“I fold.” Josh repeats with a mouth stuffed with food.
“You mean Donna wouldn’t give you anymore cash?” Matt interprets.
“I don’t have to ask my wife’s permission to spend MY money.” Josh counters.
“She said no.” Chris agrees with Matt.
“I decided…by myself, all alone…that I was done.” Josh insists. Nobody believes him of
course, but nobody is going to push it either. We’ll just mock him mercilessly for it later.
“Looks like it’s you and me, Agent Casper.” The President smiles at me with this shark
smile. I’m scared of this man. “Once I clean you out too, we should go down and watch a
high testosterone movie in the screening room.”
“NO!” Josh shouts and several eyes turn to him. “The women are down there.”
“I thought since you’ve been married awhile Josh that you’d have learned they really don’t
have cooties.” The President continues raising the bet. I’m going to be out in minutes.
“It’s not that sir.” Josh explains. “It’s just that…they’re watching…Thelma and Louise.”
Gasps are heard all around the room.
“Nothing good can come of that.” I nod in agreement and continue to push chips into the
center of the table.
“They’ve been down there for hours. I say it’s our turn.” President Bartlet announces. “A
little “Yeoman of the Guard” will rid us of the female contingent easily enough.”
Now moans are heard all around the room; one comes from me.
“You don’t like Yeoman of the Guard, Michael?” The leader of the free world asks me.
“It’s a fine film, Mr. President. I was just thinking that for the party mood we’re trying to
create…maybe another film might be…more appropriate?” I offer.
“Huh…Maybe it’s more of a Lion in Winter kind of night?” He pushes.
“Uh….” I turn a panicked look at Josh for help in extricating myself from this quicksand.
“Maybe…” Josh allows. “Or maybe, you know, something from this century?”
President Bartlet glares at him and then turns it on me. “Let’s just make this more
interesting, shall we?” He pushes all his chips into the center of the table. “Winner takes
all; all the chips and the choice of movie.”
What to do? What to do.
“Okay…All in, sir.” I likewise push all my chips to the center. He lays his cards on the table
and I feel a smile tug at the corners of my mouth. “Sorry, sir. I believe my three tens beat
your hand, Mr. President.”
“Well… I’ll be damned.” Bartlet shakes his head. I wait to see if the President is going to be
a gracious winner…or order his Secret Service detail to bury me in the South Lawn. He
stands up and holds out his hand. “Well played, Agent Casper. Congratulations. Let’s go
down to the screening room and kick the women out.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.” I shake his outstretched hand and watch as Matt scoops all the
chips off the table and hands me a thick bundle of cash. This is amazing. Matt loops an
arm around me and we start out of the room.
“I can’t believe he won.” Josh admits.
“I can’t believe you folded with a pair of Queens because your wife wouldn’t let you have
any money out of her purse.” The President laughs.
“How do you know what I…” Josh breaks off and I turn back to watch. “Are these…Mr.
President, have you been playing with marked cards all night?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Joshua. That would be immoral and illegal…unless it was for a very
good cause.” The President winks at his Deputy Chief of Staff and I have to stifle a laugh. I
think maybe me and my father in law are going to be just fine.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“Steel Magnolias?” My husband shrieks from the back of the theater. Good Lord.
“Go away, Josh. You’re not getting any more money.” I call back to him and hear other
male voices chuckling. This is worse than I thought; all the men are here. That can only
mean one thing.
“We had dibs on the theater first, Joshua. You already took over the residence AND our
party food.”
“Like you can’t get as much food as you want delivered right to your seats.” He scoffs. “It’s
our turn to watch a movie. Mike gets to pick the flick `cause he won the tournament tonight.”
“Naturally. Since Mike won the male ego pissing contest upstairs, we should just leave in
the middle of our movie and let you real men watch some testosterone laden movie by
yourselves.”
“I’m glad you understand, Donnatella. You’re the best.” He kisses me quickly on the lips.
“You won?!” Ellie exclaims and rushes into Mike’s arms. “That’s wonderful!” She winks at
her dad over Mike’s shoulder. “I think since my man won this evening, we should be able to
compromise a bit, Donna. Let’s all watch a movie together?”
“Great!” Mike agrees enthusiastically and kisses his bride to be.
“What should we watch?” Ellie asks.
“Whatever you like.” Mike tells her. The guys groan.
“Princess Bride?”
“Sure!” Mike folds like a cheap suit. He would do anything for Ellie. There’s some good
natured grumbling, but before long everyone is enjoying popcorn and laughing at the
movie.
Josh’s head is in my lap and he’s snoring quietly. The President and First Lady are at the
very front of the theater. Mike and Ellie are sitting a couple rows behind them engaged
in…public displays of affection. Then Liz Bartlet comes back in the theater and asks if it’s
okay to sit with us.
“It’s fine with me. You don’t mind, do you Josh?” I ask solicitously and get another snore for
a response. “He’d love for you to join us.” Liz laughs and sits next to me.
“I can’t wait to see the kids tomorrow.” Liz tells me.
“They’re getting bigger every day, I swear.” I share. “Now whether they’ll perform or not in
the ceremony is anyone’s guess.”
“They’ll be fine.” Liz predicts and I can tell from her gaze that’s she watching Mike and Ellie.
“I don’t think Doug and I were ever like that.” She says wistfully.
“Every couple is different, Liz.”
“Maybe. But I look at Mom and Dad, you and Josh, and especially Ellie and Mike and I get
so envious. I wish I had what you all have.”
I chuckle. “Don’t be so sure. Josh and I have had more than our share of troubles. It’s no
picnic sometimes.”
“I know that. I’m not naïve. My parents fight. Even the engaged couple who appear to be
performing tonsillectomies on each other fight.” Liz shook her head, smiling wryly. “But
what makes the difficult times bearable, all the fights tolerable, is that underneath it
all…you know Josh’s love for you is true and sturdy. You’ve never had reason to doubt
that.”
“No, that’s true. You really doubt Doug’s love for you?” That’s so sad to me.
“He’s been having an affair, Donna. Maybe more than one, but one for sure, for the last
several years.”
“God, Liz, I’m so sorry.” I put a hand on her arm. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet. There’s a lot to be measured and weighed. We have two children who
don’t deserve to read about their father’s…indiscretions in the paper and see it play out on
the cable news networks.”
“No…but neither do you, or the kids, deserve to live in a home filled with pain and distrust.
Taking your time to make a good decision is very smart.” I tell her and squeeze her arm.
“You’re a smart, capable woman Liz Bartlet. You’ll work it out.”
“Thanks, Donna.” She says quietly with tears falling down her cheeks. She grabs some of
my popcorn from my bag and pops it into her mouth. We both refocus our attention on the
movie.
It’s a hilarious movie, but it leaves me a little cold tonight thinking about what Liz is going
through. I gently stroke my husband’s hair and think again of how lucky I am to never have
had reason to doubt our love or our devotion to each other.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
5.
Sometimes I seriously doubt my wife’s love for me.
“You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” I scoff. I’m feeling loads better now after my two hour nap
in the movie theater.
“This isn’t a surprise.”
“Yeah it is!”
“Joshua, I told you all about this. You were there for the discussion.”
“But I didn’t think you were serious.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not the bride! Why can’t I see MY woman the night before the wedding?”
“You’re seeing me right now and thanks to your hi-jinks this evening; you’ve seen me
practically all night!”
“What about the kids?”
“What about them?”
“You’re going to leave ME in charge of getting them ready tomorrow?” That can’t possibly
be the plan.
“Josh, don’t be ridiculous. You can’t possibly think I’d leave that up to you.” See?
“So?”
“It’s a 6 p.m. wedding, Josh. I’ll be home in the morning to get them and bring them back
here to get ready.”
“Who planned it this way?” I demand.
“Me and Ellie.”
“I still don’t understand why I need to be tortured, too. This whole tradition is completely
antiquated, by the way.” I bitch as we walk out of my office and she obviously could care
less about the seriousness of this situation.
“So you said a mere hundred times the night before OUR wedding.”
“And I endured it like a man.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what you did.” She grumbles.
Fine. Time to get serious here.
“Donna!” I whine.
“No.” She’s steadfast. “You can whine all you want. It’s not going to make a difference.
Your mother and Piper are at home and they’ll make sure you don’t oversleep. These are
the plans; they’ve been made and confirmed for months. Maybe in the future you’ll learn
to listen to me closer.”
“That’s totally unfair. I listen to you all the time.” She stops walking and looks at me,
arching an elegant brow. “I listen to you about the important stuff.” She continues to look at
me. “I DO! Listen, I work in the White House. I’ve got a lot of important stuff in my brain to
retain. I count on you to keep on top of the little details…”
“Such as sleeping arrangements for one of your best friend’s weddings.” She tosses back
and continues to walk again.
“You can’t pin this on me. It’s an admirable effort on your part to be sure, but you and I
both know that this is not stuff that my brain has room for. I wish it did, but it just doesn’t.”
She groans dramatically as we leave the White House and she heads out to the parking lot
with me. I think this explains the suitcase in the back seat of the car now. I saw it earlier and
it didn’t click because I’m always traveling and a suitcase in the back seat of my car isn’t an
oddity.
“You’re taking away from the romance of this for me, Joshua.” She complains.
“Romance? It’s not our wedding.”
“It’s a wedding at the White House on Christmas Eve.” She gushes. “The building is
beautiful! Our dresses are beautiful; everything is going to be beautiful.” She’s smiling
widely and even though I know some of it has to do with the wine she drank tonight, her
eyes are sparkling and she’s smiling and it’s hard not to get caught up in Donna at
Christmas...especially with the kids now too. The holidays in my house really are infectious.
“I don’t like sleeping by myself.” I finally concede.
“Well, neither to I.” she says as we reach the car and she unlocks it. “But it’s just one night
and it’s for our friends.”
“We’re collateral damage.”
“Yes, I know.”
She starts to tug at the suitcase to get it out of the car, but being the gentleman I am, I
move past her and take it out for her. It’s incredibly heavy. “Good God, woman! What the
hell is in here?”
“It’s all my stuff to get ready for tomorrow.” She explains.
“I thought they were bringing in professional people for all that stuff.”
“Well, they are.” She shrugs.
“This is something that only makes sense to Matt, isn’t it?” I finally determine.
“Yup.”
“All right.” I sigh. We head back to the White House and I drag the suitcase along behind
me. “There better not be anything in here that’s going to set off the metal detectors.”
“I’ve reconfigured the design of my pipe bomb. It should slip through completely
undetected now.”
“You crack me up.”
After her suitcase clears security, I walk her all the way to the stairs leading up to the
residence. She stops at the bottom and smiles at me. When she sees my pout, she smiles
indulgently at me. “It’s just one night and I’ll be home in the morning.”
“Don’t stay up too late gossiping with the President.” I warn.
“I actually find his conversations interesting.”
“Because you’re a raging nerd, but it’s going to be a really late night tomorrow, then it’s
Christmas…”
She’s gaping at me.
“What?”
“A raging nerd?”
“I call you that all the time.” What? It’s not like this is a new development. A park police
officer comes over and picks up her suitcase, walking it upstairs. I’m sure he thinks it’s
heavy too.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” She says kissing me.
“Want me to sleep in my office tonight?” I blurt.
“Why would I want you to sleep in your office?”
“You can come down and visit me. It can be a secret rendezvous.” I nod for good measure,
but she rolls her eyes.
“Good night, Joshua.”
“I love you.” Last ditch effort.
“I love you, too.”
I sigh heavily as I watch her climb the stairs and disappear at the top. When I turn around,
Mike is rushing up to me.
“Tell me there’s more beer in this building.” He says grabbing my shoulders.
“The keg’s out?”
“The keg’s been returned. Apparently, my bride does not want to chance her groom being
hung over tomorrow, but her groom is marrying the President of the United States’
daughter tomorrow in front of the entire world and he’s not done drinking yet!”
“Down in the mess.” I say simply hooking a thumb over my shoulder. He nods and falls into
step with me.
“Why is it a 6 o’clock wedding anyway?”
“So we all can attend midnight mass as a new family.” Mike grumbles.
“You’re kidding me.” I laugh.
“Thanks for the support there, buddy.”
“You are such a sucker!”
“You’re one to talk!”
“Hey, I don’t deny that’s just the kind of crazy shit I agree to for my wife, but YOU’RE always
the one making fun of me for it.”
“Well, it’s no picnic being on the other side of the coin, believe me.”
“I know.” I agree. “I also know that you’ve been a champ and the President really
appreciates all you’ve put up with to marry his daughter.”
“Is that spin?”
“No, I’m his domestic policy advisor. He talks to me a lot.” I say.
“Believe it or not, I tend to forget that she’s the President’s daughter until I’m painfully
reminded of it like now.”
“Well, you’re handling it well…unlike others.”
“You know, the President doesn’t seem too fond of Doug either.”
“He’s having an affair.” I say bluntly.
“Does the President know?” Mike looks pretty surprised…and pretty pissed off on behalf of
his new family. He’ll do well with the Bartlets.
“I think he suspects.”
“But you know for sure?”
“Yup.”
“How?”
“His wife has a secret service detail, Mike. What do you mean how?”
Mike blows out a long breath. Welcome to my world, buddy. What do you tell your wife and
what do you forget you ever heard?
“Should I pistol whip him tomorrow do you think?”
“That’ll be helpful, yeah.” I quip and Mike chuckles.
“What a prick.”
“He’ll be your brother in law after tomorrow.”
“She’s real classy, Liz, he’s an idiot.” Mike says.
“I try and stay away from the family politics.”
“I’ve learned I don’t have that luxury.”
When we get to the mess, I lead him back into the kitchen. I pull four beers out of the
refrigerator and return to where he’s standing. “What about food?” he asks. “I should
probably eat with this. I want to calm my nerves, but I don’t want to be green around the
gills tomorrow either. I mean, I’m sure I’ll need to drink more tomorrow.”
“I really don’t think it’s going to be that bad, Mike.” I say.
“Because you’re used to all this shit. I’ve been able to claim work conflicts for most of the
stuff Ellie’s had to go to. This is going to be on t.v. tomorrow!”
I sigh and point to the door over his shoulder. “There’s a pantry there. I’m sure it’s got stuff
in it.”
He turns around and jerks the handle a few times before the door finally opens. “This place
is in a lot worse shape than I would have thought.”
“You really don’t want to know. It seems like they’re always fixing something.” I say as we
walk into the big walk in pantry and turn on the light.
“Okay.” I sigh looking around us at all the food on the shelves. This is where all the non-
perishable stuff is. It’s a great place to raid when you’re here late at night. I’m just about to
scoop up all the apples and peanut butter when the smallest of noises echoes through my
brain.
*Click*
Mike and I look at each other wide eyed and then turn slowly to the door.
“No.” I say as Mike immediately unsuccessfully tries the handle. “Oh, no.”
“Oh yes.” Mike says.
“We can’t possibly be stuck here.”
“This building’s a piece of shit!”
“This can’t be happening.” I say again.
“Call security.” Mike says.
“My phone’s in my office. We need to use yours.”
“Ellie took my phone yesterday so I couldn’t take any work calls.”
“Shoot the fucking lock out then!” I shout.
“You want me to fire a gun in the White House.” He says, but his tone is an answer to my
question.
“Okay, that’s a bad idea.” I concede.
“Just a little one.” He replies, measuring with his fingertips.
“So, we’re stuck until someone finds us.” I conclude.
“At least we’ve got food!”
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
6.
I pick up the phone and then set it back down in its charger again.
“For God’s sakes, Donna, just call him.” Zoey snickers at me.
“No.” I shake my head. “I’m not going to call him. I’m sure he got home fine. He’s an adult
after all.”
At this, Zoey and Liz BOTH break out in laughter.
“He IS!” I insist.
“Oh, Donna, he CAN be.” Dr. Bartlet agrees trying to play peacemaker. “Lord knows he is
wonderful with those children. But a couple drinks and the company of his…friends,
unsupervised, can only lead to trouble.”
“He’s being supervised by Leo and the President of the United States.” I object.
“Blind leading the blind.” Liz chimes in and I decide to call Josh just to say goodnight. That’
s all; just goodnight.
“Put the phone down, Donna. I’m sure they’re fine. How much trouble can they get into with
Secret Service everywhere?” Zoey asks.
“You’d be surprised.” I reply but leave the phone alone…for now.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“Who have you been texting all night?” I ask Chris in an attempt to start a conversation. He’
s not openly hostile to me these days, but he’s certainly not warm and fuzzy either.
“Amy. She wants to meet after this thing.”
“Ah.” There are many other things I’d like to say here, but I wisely decide to keep my mouth
shut.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Shit. Chris is drunk.
“I said ‘ah’. It had no deep penetrating meaning, I assure you.”
“There’s always some deep penetrating meaning with you guys.” He grouses.
I decide, again, to let his remark slide. I don’t want to ruin this for Mike. Speaking of whom,
where the hell is Mike? And Josh? I was supposed to give him a ride home and now both of
them are AWOL? Something is very wrong with this picture. “Have you seen Josh or Mike?”
“They’re probably closeted up with the Leader of the Free World figuring out how to get
you on the ballot in another 20 states.” Chris chuckles and takes another long swallow of
his drink. First, let me just say that while Josh has been helping me, President Bartlet has
not said a word or done a thing to help with my campaign. I’ve had about enough of this.
“Don’t do this, Chris; not here, not now. This is an important night for Mike. This isn’t about
us and whatever snub you think you’ve taken from us.”
“He could care less if I’m here. It’s a duty invitation.” Chris scoffs.
“Then leave. Amy’s waiting for you.” I stand up to leave him to pout by himself.
“Why didn’t you talk to me about this?” He asks seriously.
“About what?”
“About your party switch. About Josh running your campaign. Any of it. Did you just not
trust me?”
“That was never part of the equation, Chris. We all trust you.”
“It doesn’t feel like it. It hasn’t felt like for a long time.”
“I wouldn’t have even said anything to Josh back then if he hadn’t found some polling data I
was running in Donna’s stuff. It was just an idea I was…” I shake my head at a loss for how
to explain it. “I wasn’t sure he’d agree to run it. I was afraid to ask him. I was afraid nobody
would be willing to take on an openly gay Congressman’s run for the White House.”
“I would’ve helped.” He says morosely. “I know I’m not that valuable a commodity, but I
would’ve done what I could to…help.”
“I never doubted that until you hooked up with Hoynes and Gardner.” I admit. “Now we don’
t know who you’re with or why. I worry that you don’t either.”
“Hoynes has given me lots of opportunities and Amy…”
“That’s fine then.” I interrupt him.
“No, it’s not.” Chris stands up so we’re toe to toe. “I’m tired of being on the outside looking
in.”
“That’s your choice. It always has been.” I tell him honestly. “We’d take you any day of the
week, but Gardner is another matter. None of us trust her…and neither should you.”
His eyes flash at that comment. Maybe I went a bit too far. But then he closes them for a
moment and when he opens them again he nods at me. I’m not sure what that means but it’
s the first time in ages I feel like we’ve really connected.
“Will you help me?” I ask him.
“With what?” He asks cautiously.
“Finding Lyman’s drunk ass and getting him to my car?”
Chris laughs. “Donna is going to kill him.”
“Then we should get front row tickets to the show, don’t you think?” I shrug and Chris puts
an arm around my shoulder.
“Let’s find the wandering Jew.” He agrees. We search the rooms we’ve been inhabiting for
the better part of the evening, check the screening room floor for a passed out Josh, and
even check his office; nothing. I start to get a little concerned until it occurs to me to check
the security logs. Neither one of them have left the building. That’s good. How much
trouble can two inebriated men get into in the White House?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“This is bad.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I mean really bad.” I repeat. “What if nobody finds us before the wedding and Ellie thinks I
skipped out on her?”
“Mike…that’s like 16 hours from now. Surely somebody will notice the groom and best man
are missing and, you know, search for us.”
“Not if they think I ran out on Ellie.”
“Relax! There are logs for going in and out of here. They’ll see that we never left and then
they’ll come looking for us.” Josh tries to reason with me and somewhere in my beer
soaked brain it has a ring of truth to it, but…
“This is really very bad.”
“Would you please stop saying that?” He shouts and it hurts my head.
“How big is this place anyway?” I ask looking around the huge storeroom.
“It’s pretty damn big, Mike. Haven’t you ever been in here?”
“They discourage the First Family from venturing down here.” I explain.
“I’m beginning to see why.” Josh mutters.
“It was your bright idea to come in here in the first place.” I point out.
“How was I supposed to know the White House is defective?” He shouts back.
“Is there any chance that there’s a phone in here someplace? Or maybe an alarm switch
we could pull?”
“An alarm switch?” Josh laughs. “In the pantry? For what? Warding off snack thieves?”
“There could be a fire alarm or a vent or something. We should look.”
“I can barely stand up right now, Casper, and you want to go on a wild goose chase?”
“We’ll…walk the perimeter and see if we can find anything, okay?”
“Yeah, sure, why not?” Josh blearily gets back on his feet and we walk in opposite
directions. This place really is cavernous. There are shelves and shelves of food. I guess it
takes a lot of food to keep the White House running. We won’t die of hunger here. Of
course now I’ve got to pee.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“Remind me again why we’re sneaking down to the mess at this hour?” Liz asks us.
“Because I’m tired of eating all that Martha Stewart food. I want some chips and dip and
pretzels.” Ellie replies. She’s positively giddy. It might have been that last bottle of
champagne we just polished off. Liz and I share an indulgent smile.
“If that’s what the bride wants, then that’s what she will have.” Liz declares. She opens the
door to the fridge and finds several varieties of chip dip but when Ellie tries to open the
pantry door, it appears locked.
“When did they start locking this up?” Ellie asks still pulling on the door handle.
“They never do.” Liz counters. “You’re just drunk, baby sister. Let me try.” Liz pulls but has
no better success than Ellie had. “Looks like you’re out of luck.”
“No! I want my chips!” Ellie bangs on the door repeatedly while Liz and I try not to laugh.
“Ice cream would be a good substitute.” Liz suggests and Ellie’s eyes light up.
“I love ice cream. I haven’t had ice cream for weeks so I’ll fit into that stupid dress.” Ellie
pouts. It’s not quite as good as mine but it has potential.
“Then ice cream it is.” I pull her away from the pantry door, we make a quick stop in the
freezer to pick out a couple flavors and we’re back up to the Residence.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“Hey, I thought the wedding was already a mass.” Josh calls out from somewhere in the
back of this huge pantry.
“What?” I call back.
“I thought the wedding was a mass.” He repeats.
“It is! What’s the matter with you? Did you miss the program with Wedding Mass on it or the
priest at the altar?”
“I’m Jewish. How am I supposed to know what constitutes a mass?”
“Why are you asking about this now?”
“Well, you said you were having a 6:00 wedding because the President wanted to have a
family mass after that.”
“Yeah.” He hasn’t come close to making his point and already I’m exhausted.
“Isn’t it unusual to go to two masses in one day?” He finally coughs it up and I pause mid
stride.
“I…I…” Damn, he has a point. “Do you think the President is messing with me?”
“Very likely so.” He opines. Smug bastard.
“I thought he liked me.” I object.
“He teases people he likes. What can I say?”
“Nothing. Say nothing at all. Just stop the banging Josh, and start looking for a way to get
out of here.” I tell him.
“I’m not banging I thought that was you.” He calls back.
“It’s not me, it’s you. Now quit it.”
The same thought must occur to us at the same time because we meet in the middle of the
storeroom with identical looks of excitement on our faces.
“Someone’s looking for us!” I say it first and we dash for the door. Unfortunately, we trip
over each other in our haste to get back to the door and we end up sprawled on the floor
our heads hitting various food and shelving items along the way.
“Shit.” I mutter.
“Fuck.” Josh shouts and holds his head with his hands. He looks like he might be bleeding
a bit.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Forget me. Get the damn door!” He yells and I scramble back on my unsteady feet and
run the rest of the way to the door. I bang and shout, but after a few minutes it’s clear that
whoever had been there isn’t there any longer…and I still have to pee.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
7.
I come blazing up the stairs to our Brownstone. I’m running SO late! Josh would kill me for
it, but since I haven’t gotten a hold of him this morning, I’m assuming he’s still asleep. He
must have been up pretty late, if he’s able to sleep with the twins up. They NEVER let
daddy sleep in.
I throw the door open and go charging into the living room. Sara and Piper are in the living
room and the twins are with them, with various remnants of breakfast around them.
“Hey! Sorry.” I say out of breath. “The President was incredibly chatty over breakfast; I
couldn’t get away. Let me just get Josh up.”
“Donna?” My mother in law asks me as I turn to hurry towards the stairs.
“Yeah.” I respond beginning my trek up.
“He wasn’t with you last night?”
I stop cold then walk back down.
“What?”
“He’s not here.” She says.
“What do you mean, ‘he’s not here?’” I ask with dread.
“He didn’t come home last night.”
“He didn’t answer his cell this morning.” I say with rising panic.
“He’s probably at Mike’s then; maybe his battery is dead.” Sara assures me, but I am not
assured, so I dial Mike’s home number…since Ellie boosted his cell.
The answering machine comes on. “Hey, it’s Donna. If you guys are there, you better wake
up! I was running late, you’ve got to get moving, Joshua.” I snap my phone closed and look
over to Sara and Piper before dialing Matt.
“Hey, Donna.”
“Hey, did Josh leave with you last night?”
“No, I thought he left with Mike.”
“Oh, okay. I just tried Mike’s home number and got the machine. Josh didn’t come home
last night and I’m running late.”
“YOU’RE running late?”
“It’s not easy to get away from the President when he gets going about something.”
“Ah.” Matt says completely understanding then sighs. “I’ll go over there.”
“That would be incredibly helpful!” I let out a relieved breath and smile. “Just tell him I got
the kids and to get his ass to the White House, I’ll meet him there.”
“Will do.”
“I can’t believe they’re not up yet!”
“Can’t you?” Matt chuckles.
“Well, yeah, I guess I can.”
“Don’t worry, Donna; I’m on it.”
I snap my phone shut again satisfied. Matt’ll get their lazy asses out of bed.”
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“My head’s fucking KILLING me!” I groan.
“Why is it no one’s come down here?” Mike demands.
“How’s it look?”
“How’s what look?”
“My head.”
“You’re getting a black eye.”
“That’s not good.”
“Well, you’re going to have another one when my fiancé sees it. You’re going to have a
black eye for my wedding pictures.”
“They’ll touch it up.” I wave.
“CNN won’t.”
“Well, no.”
“And what are you going to say?” he demands. Damn, he’s cranky today. I don’t blame
him. It’s not like either one of us actually slept last night.
“Nothing.” I shrug. “We don’t talk about Fight Club.”
“You’re hilarious.” He replies, but does it with a smirk. “How long do you think it’s going to
be? Seriously.”
“Well, its Sunday, and Christmas Eve…” I say.
“So?”
“Well, there’s probably less kitchen staff on They probably don’t staff as many people
today.”
“You should really reconsider the all night pastry chef.”
“I’ll get Leo right on it.” I reply, standing up. I have to get the kinks out of my back. My eye
isn’t opening all the way and I know the gash on my forehead probably looks fairly
mortifying. Donna’s gonna have a cow…fucking shelf…“I would think the caterers would be
here soon.” I say.
“They use the mess?”
“Well, the mess’s kitchen is attached to the big kitchen that’s used for official functions.”
“But so all that stuff’s over there on that side.”
Shit. “Um…yeah.”
“I swear to God, Josh, if we’re not out of here in an hour, I really am going to shoot the lock
off.”
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
“I love your friends, Matthew, but they’re really high maintenance.” Scott says as we
approach Mike’s apartment door and I pull out my key.
“They disappeared last night and Chris and I couldn’t find them anywhere.” I reply. “I still
think you should have come.”
“The White House freaks me out.”
“Well, with any luck, you’ll have to get used to it.” I counter and he says nothing as I open
Mike’s apartment door and Scott flips the first switch we come to.
“Hey slackasses!” I call out. “Get the hell up!”
“There’s no one on the couch.” Scott points out the obvious. Mike doesn’t have a guest
room or anywhere else for anyone to sleep. Tell me these two passed out on the bed and I’
ll never let them live it down. I take my phone out…just in case I get to take incriminating
pictures…
As we enter Mike’s room and I flick the light switch I see two things: 1) The place is a
fucking pig sty. Luckily his bride is making him give this place up…or maybe the secret
service is; and 2) This apartment is empty.
“Oh…well.” Scott says. “It’s a wedding day mystery.”
“This is not good.” I mutter dialing Donna’s number. “Where the hell are they?”
“Maybe they never left the White House?” Scott suggests.
I snap my phone shut and look at him like he’s brilliant. “That must be it.” I dial Josh’s office
number and get his voicemail. Maybe he just passed out on Toby’s couch. “Let’s head
over there.”
“You think they went in search of strippers?” Scott offers as I relock Mike’s place and we
head down the stairs.
“Nah, neither of them cared that much about the strippers. It was the principal of the
matter. I’m sure they’re just still in the White House somewhere.”