Choices chapter 5:
Chapter 5
Josh paced outside Leo's room until the doctor was finished and
waved him in. Josh did NOT want to be there, but no matter how
disappointed and angry he was he couldn't disregard a direct order
to meet with his former boss and mentor. He had been humiliated
yesterday when the President announced CJ had accepted the COS position.
Did the President have so little confidence in him? Did Leo?
He took a deep breath and walked quietly into Leo's room. He looked
so old and pale with all of the wires and tubes hooked up to him. Josh
was just considering leaving and coming back later, when Leo opened his
eyes and called to him.
"Josh…"
"Hey boss. You gave us quite a scare. Aren't you the one who is
always lecturing me about balance?"
Leo smiled a bit. "Do as I say not as I do." He managed.
"Don't worry about work, okay? We've got things covered
there." Josh choked out.
"I need to talk to you about that. I want to explain why-"
"You should just rest, Leo. I'm a big boy. I can take care of
myself."
"I told the President to appoint CJ. It was me, not him." Josh
felt his chest explode. He nodded like he understood, but he didn't. It felt like the
ultimate betrayal in a week full of betrayals.
"It's time for you to move on, Josh. You're heart isn't
in this anymore. You have some difficult choices to make shortly and I didn't want
them to be clouded by the Chief of Staff position."
"Leo…"
"You'd feel pressured to take it and then guilt would keep you
there. Have you talked to Donna, yet?" Josh blinked at the change of subject. "It's
not a coincidence that you've lost some of your drive at work since you got back
from Germany, Josh."
"Leo, she…I…it's all off since Germany. Everything. I
don't have a clue how to reach her anymore."
"Reaching her would involve talking to her, son. I don't think
you've done that for some time."
"This guy, Colin Ayres, was with her in Germany."
"Was he with her or visiting her?"
"I'm not having this discussion with you, Leo."
"You're not having this discussion with anyone, Josh. You're
avoiding Sam's calls, you don't talk to Toby or CJ, and the one
person you've always confided in, Donna, you've cut off
completely."
"You're the one who transferred her!" Josh objected.
"That was supposed to make it easier for you to get closer, not
drive each other way."
"I guess someone didn't get the memo then, did they?" Josh
replied angrily, then stopped abruptly when he remembered how sick Leo was.
"Sorry, boss. I'm just having a bit of a day."
"Margaret said Dawson came to see you yesterday."
"God, does that woman have me under surveillance or something?"
"I wouldn't be surprised. He offer you Chief of Staff?" Josh
just nodded. "He's a good man. You could take him far."
"Maybe, but he's not my guy." Josh stayed silent as he saw
Leo's eyes drift shut.
"Talk to Donna, Josh. It'll be easier to make a choice when you
talk to Donna."
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"You did good work on the thing." Toby told Donna without
looking up at her. "You should go home if you're tired"
"I'm always tired. CJ said you needed help prepping for your
afternoon briefing."
"Because I tanked so badly at my morning briefing?"
"She never used the word `tanked'." Donna smirked.
"And since you didn't mention any secret plan to fight
inflation, you're still up one on Josh."
"Thanks… Look, I know things have been tough this week. Are you doing okay
with everything?"
"I'm hanging in there, Toby. I just thought things would be
different when I got back here, you know?"
"I can imagine you did. You should talk to him, Donna." She
shook her head sadly.
"I think we've passed that point, Toby. He told me what he wanted when he
transferred me out of his office. Let's work on your briefing."
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Josh walked back into the West Wing with a renewed sense of purpose. He would
find Donna and ask her to have lunch with him. It was a start. But when he got to
her office, it was empty. He knocked on Toby's door.
"Have you seen Donna?' he asked Toby.
"She went down to CJ's office. Oh- and what the hell are you
doing taking a meeting with Dawson? We need you here. You can't go running off
to play Chief of Staff for him just because you got passed up for it here. That, by
the way, was a monumental mistake, if you ask me; which no one did."
"Thank you, Toby for your touching concern. You really know how to boost me up
when the world is crashing down around me."
"Not that it is any of my concern, but your world is crashing in
more ways than one…why are you looking for Donna?"
"I thought we'd have lunch."
"Maybe that's not a good idea right now."
"What are you talking about?"
"She's having a rough time with re-entry right now, and I
don't think she needs you blowing hot and cold is all I'm
saying."
"Blowing hot and cold? Is that what you think I'm doing?"
"I have no idea what it is you're doing, but I'm tired of
watching you do whatever it is to Donna. You should just back off and leave her
alone."
"Don't you think I've tried? Do you have any idea what it
did to me to finally admit to myself what she means to me when I flew to Germany
only to find her cuddled up with that damn photojournalist? Do you think it's easy
to sit back and watch her get close to Calley again? Do you think there is a single
day that passes what I don't miss her like hell?"
"I honestly don't know, Josh, and neither does she. You know
why? Because you never open your mouth and tell anyone. You could have lost
her in Gaza, Josh, it was a very close thing."
"I did lose her in Gaza, Toby. Now it's too late."
"That's not true. You did not lose her and it's not too
late. When you were shot, she moved heaven and earth to get you through that.
Hell, we all did. I held the blood in your body with my hands while we waited for the
ambulance. You got a second chance, Josh, and what did you do with it?"
"So was I supposed to compromise my position? Donna's? The
administrations? For something I'm not even sure about?"
"It's called taking a risk. Isn't it about time you took
one? She's sitting in that office, day after day thinking you
transferred her away from you because you don't want her around anymore and
you, I don't know exactly what the hell you're thinking, but I could make an
educated guess that it has something to do with guilt."
"Damn Toby, why don't you tell me how you really feel."
"That is the problem, Josh!" Toby roared, for once too angry to
second guess his practiced disinterest in the situation. "I never
told you that I knew how you felt! Since the day I held you, bleeding, and you kept
asking for Donna, Josh, I knew. And I said nothing because I thought it wasn't my
place, and you – being the brilliant political master mind that you are- would figure
it out." Toby stopped, spent.
Quiet ensued for a moment. Then Josh asked tentatively, "What are you talking
about?"
Toby sighed, then leaned back on his desk with his head down for a moment,
trying to decide how to proceed. "I knew you didn't
remember." He looked up at Josh, tilted his head and continued. "When we were
waiting for the paramedics, and I was trying to…keep you from bleeding, which
was… impossible. You were out of it, looking around, and I told you to lie still. But
you kept looking so I grabbed your hand to stop you. And you just stared up at
me, and asked for Donna. I'm watching you, the life is pouring out of you, and you
just wanted Donna. That's when I knew how you felt about her."
Josh just stared at him.
"That doesn't mean what you think. That was years ago. I was out of it- you said
so yourself. It doesn't mean what you think."
Toby closed his eyes, back at Roslyn for a moment, then opened them again and
this time looked straight at Josh. "The life was pouring out of you, Josh. It meant
then what it means now. You love her." Toby quietly shuffled behind his desk and
sat; pondering the note cards Donna made for him.
"I just can't watch the two of you do this anymore; especially
now that it's right next door to me. It's distracting. Now get
out of my office. I have actual work to do writing something that
doesn't involve hearts and angst, thank the Lord on High, who, by the way, is
tempted to kick your sorry as for wasting this shot at a life." Josh started to leave.
"Wait! Can you read this?" he hands Josh one of Donna's note cards.
"It says, `look at crime stats in red folder'." Josh
translated for him.
"Are you sure?" he asked dubiously.
"Trust me."
"I'd rather not." he said dryly.
"Toby…thanks." Josh told him sincerely.
"Josh, come quick, it's Donna." Carol started dragging him
out of the room before the words are out of her mouth, Toby got up to follow
them. "Something happened during her meeting with CJ. She's not responding to
anybody."
The trio make it in record time to the Chief of Staff's office where
they found Donna catatonic. CJ was calling her name repeatedly but as Carol told
them, Donna was not responding in any way. Her eyes had glazed over and she
was staring in the direction of the bank of televisions along the wall. They were
replaying footage of the bombing complete with close up pictures of Donna
bleeding to death inside the SUV.
"Turn off the TV's." Josh commanded and CJ jumped to turn them
off. "Donna? Donna, it's Josh. Can you hear me?" Tears started
to flow down her face. Josh brushed them away while he stroked her face.
"Donna, you are not there anymore. You're safe in the White
House now. Look at me Donna." Still nothing but the silent tears.
"Carol, tell Barb to get the number for Stanley Keyworth out of my rolodex. I need
him right away." Josh returned his attention to
Donna. "Donna, I'm going to move you to my office now.
Everything's going to be fine." Josh pushed the wheelchair
quickly across the West Wing to his office and shut the door behind them. He sat
next to her and took her hands in his, rubbing them.
"I can't get out of the car." She whispered. "There's
a fire and I can't get out of the car."
"You got out of the car, Donnatella. You're home safe now."
"Everybody died but me. Why didn't I die, too?" she spoke
so softly Josh could hardly hear her. "I should have died too."
"It would have destroyed me if I lost you." At his words, she
started sobbing. Josh held her as best he could while she's in a
wheelchair. The intercom buzzed and Barb informed him Stanley Keyworth was on
line 2 for him.
He let go of Donna just long enough to pick up the phone and then came back to
her.
"Stanley, how'd you like to have another White House Tour?,,, I
thought this time Donna could show you around. When can you get here? That
would be fabulous, Stanley. Call me with the details and I'll have a car waiting for
you at the airport. Thanks so much, Stanley."
"Good news, Donnatella, help is on the way." Josh opened his
office door and began to maneuver her wheelchair towards her office.
"We'll get your stuff out of your office and take you home."
"No, I'm not going home now. I still have work here to do. CJ
needs this done before I go today."
"CJ will understand, Donna. You need to go home now. Stanley will meet us there
as soon as possible."
"If you insist I need to see Stanley then he's going to have see
me here in my office, where I will be working."
"Donna, you need help. Stanley's good; he can help you get
through this."
"Get through what? A little anxiety attack? It's not like I put
my hand through a window or anything." Josh ignored the dig at him and
continued to pack up Donna's things.
"I'm not going home until 1. I'm cleared to work until 1.
Stop touching my stuff, Joshua, you're messing up my system." Josh dropped
several briefing books on her desk that she'll want to take home with her. The
noise startled her and she started shaking again.
"God, I'm sorry, Donna. It was just your briefing books."
Josh shook his head at his stupidity. In his haste to get Donna home, he forgot
what it felt like after an episode; every light, every sound, and every vibration
startled and scared him. He took a second to put himself back in that place to
help Donna.
"Please believe me when I tell you that was not a little anxiety
attack. You're going to be shaky and sensitive to light and sound
the rest of the day; maybe for several days. You need to go home now where we
can control the environment a little better. You have always been there for me
when I needed help…please let me help you this once, today. You can kick me to
the curb after you're settled at home and Stanley arrives."
Donna started crying again, but nodded her head yes. Josh closed his eyes in
relief and finished packing her things. Barb's knock at the door made Donna
jump, but she managed to control the shaking.
"You've got the economic advisors in ten." Barb told him
trying to avoid looking at Donna. News traveled fast in the West Wing.
"Cancel it. Ask Toby to take the meeting with Lambert and Stone at 2, and cancel
or reschedule the rest of my day. I can be reached by cell phone if it's urgent, but
I'm out for the rest of the day."
"Define `urgent'." Barb asked for clarification.
"You can define it yourself. I'll let you know if you get it
wrong." Josh gave her a half smile. "I trust you." He picks
up his backpack and Donna's bag and maneuvered the wheelchair out of her
office.