Choices Chapter 6:
Chapter 6A
"Hello Donna. It's good to see you again." said Stanley
Keyworth as he joined Donna in her living room. Donna gave him an
insincere smile and a nod, but no words.
"She just woke up." Josh explained. "I gave her something to
help her sleep for awhile and-"
"Yeah, thanks Josh. I think Donna and I can take it from here."
Stanley interrupted him. Josh looked from Donna who looked suddenly
anxious, back to Stanley.
"I thought I'd hang out in the other room in case…in
case." He finished lamely.
"I thought you'd hang out at the coffee shop down the street in
case." Stanley smirked at him. "I'm guessing Donna could dig
up your cell phone number if we need you."
"I'm guessing she could too…Thanks for coming Stanley."
Josh picked up his jacket and hesitantly walked out.
"How'd you get here so fast? Does the White House have you on
retainer?"
"As a matter of fact they do, although I'm thinking of
increasing it these days. I was in New York consulting with a colleague,
so it was a relatively short trip."
"I guess I should be flattered. Not many doctors make house calls
these days." Donna began nervously.
"You don't need to be nervous, Donna. We're just going to
talk awhile. Tell me what you're thinking right now."
"I'm thinking I'd like Josh to come back." Stanley just
smiled and waited for her to continue. "I don't know what
happened to me today and it scared me. Josh knew though. Josh knew."
"Josh has had more than a little experience with what you're
going through." Stanley commented. "You were lucky he was around
today. I heard you're not working with him anymore."
"No. No, I'm not."
"That surprised me. When did that change?"
"When I came back from medical leave…It's a promotion,
really. I get to do more research, which I love, and I don't have to
arrange for apology baskets for Josh anymore."
"Sounds pretty good. How is Josh adjusting to working with a new
assistant?"
"Oh, fine, I think. Barb is very nice. She seems to keep him on
schedule; she even brings him coffee."
"Keeps him on schedule and brings him coffee? He must be in
heaven."
"I guess so." Donna fidgeted with the edge of the afghan on her
lap. "Aren't you going to ask me about what happened today?"
"I was going to ask you how you liked Germany." Stanley replied.
"I wasn't exactly a tourist."
"No, you certainly weren't. The hospital you were at there has
an international reputation for excellence. Did they take good care of
you?"
Yes. Everybody did." Again, Donna looked down at her blanket.
"Everybody? Who is everybody?"
"All the nurses and doctors of course. My Mom came. Josh came. And
Colin came."
"How did Josh manage to fly to Germany when all hell was breaking
loose at the White House?"
"I'm not sure. He just…came."
"Hmmm. Who is Colin?"
"He's…someone I met in Gaza. He's a photojournalist. He
showed me around Gaza. He came to see me in Germany. That's
all."
"That's all? Sounds like quite a bit. That must've pissed
Josh off."
"Why would that piss Josh off?" Donna asked genuinely puzzled.
"Why do think it would piss Josh off?"
"Are you going to do that whole answer a question with a question
routine?"
"What do you think?" Donna smiled as Stanley hoped she would.
"So everybody took good care of you in Germany. What was it like to
come back to D.C.?"
"Strange. My Mom stayed for a couple weeks until I could function on
my own. She was a little smothering and I had no job to go to. I was
pretty bored."
"Nobody from the White House came to see you?"
"Once in awhile. They're all pretty busy. I asked Josh for some
work to do from here, but he just wanted me to rest."
"I would think you'd have had enough rest by then." No
response from Donna. "What was your first day back at the White
House like?"
"Tiring, but good. It started out with the Leo telling me the good
news about my promotion and then I dove right in to a research project
for Toby."
"Leo told you? On your first day back? Didn't Josh say anything
to you when you got back to D.C.?"
"I guess he wanted it to be a surprise. What has this got to do with
what happened today?"
"I don't know that it has anything to do with what happened
today; I'm just getting caught up with your life. I'm still
stuck on Leo telling you this wonderful news. Where was Josh?"
"He had to go up to the Hill for some meetings. It wasn't his
fault, Leo sent him."
"Why are you getting so defensive, Donna?"
"I'm not. I'm just explaining. Josh would have been there if
he could. He wanted to be there. He told me so the next day."
"You didn't see him until the next day? You didn't see Josh
AT ALL on your first day back at the White House? Was he sedated on the
Hill or something?"
"He was just busy that day. And I didn't even stay a full day. I
left a little before noon. He couldn't help it." Donna was
getting more and more agitated.
"Let me get this straight. He managed to fly to Germany at a moments
notice when there was a crisis in the Middle East involving US
casualties but your first day back he was too busy with meetings a
couple miles away to come see you?"
"It wasn't like that! Stop painting him like he was- It
wasn't like that!'
"What was it like then?" Stanley prodded.
"He was upset. It upsets him to see me now, so he stays away, but it
isn't like he does it on purpose. He isn't trying to hurt
me."
"And yet he does. Every day. Why do you think it upsets him to see
you?"
"I didn't say- He feels guilty about sending me to Gaza. He
thinks everything is his fault to begin with and then when he decided I
would go on the CODEL and I was almost killed, he figured it was his
fault."
"I don't think so." Stanley disagreed and Donna blinked in
surprise. "That just doesn't make sense, Donna. If he was so
guilty about Gaza, if it was so painful to see, he would never have gone
to Germany. So what's changed since then?"
"Nothing. Nothing had changed since then."
"That's not true. Your job has changed, your relationship with
Josh has changed, your physical abilities have changed…" Stanley
trailed off as tears gathered in Donna's eyes and spilled over onto
her face.
"But that's not my fault. None of it was my fault!" Donna
screamed. "Everyone is punishing me and none of it is my fault."
"What's not your fault Donna?"
"It's not my fault that there was a bombing in Gaza. It's
not my fault that Josh doesn't want to see me anymore. It's not
my fault that everyone died in that car!"
"Everybody except you." Stanley corrected softly.
"Everybody except me." Donna repeated crying. "The Senators
died, Admiral Fitzwallace died. All these people die every day in
Gaza… I saw this picture today on the news. I think Colin took it
after the bomb went off. I was upside down in the SUV and blood was
running down my face. It looked like I was dead. I should have been
dead."
"Survivors' guilt isn't anything unusual, Donna. Most people
who have been through what you have would feel the same way."
"It wasn't guilt, Stanley, and it wasn't an anxiety attack
like I told Josh either. I swear I was back in that SUV, only I was
awake. I could smell the gas and feel the heat from the fire, but I
couldn't move. I just stared into Admiral Fitzwallace's eyes and
cried for help. I don't even know how long I was out of it. One
minute I was in the explosion and the next I was in Josh's office. I
don't even remember how I got there."
"Josh came." Stanley stated. "How did he know you needed
help?"
"Someone must have called him. I know he went to see Leo in the
hospital earlier. I don't know when he got back, but I'm glad he
did. He knew what to do. He even knew how I was feeling and what might
set me off again."
"Sounds like he's a pretty good friend."
"He just feels guilty. Josh feels responsible for people, so he
takes care of them."
"I got the impression that you took pretty good care of each
other."
"We used to." Donna looked at Stanley sadly. "Things used to
be different at work too."
"Why did you accept the new position if it wasn't what you
wanted, Donna?"
"It was, I mean is, what I want. It's more responsibility,
better pay, certainly better hours."
"But no Josh." Stanley reiterated. "No working with Josh
anymore. You had job offers before this, Josh told me you have. Why
haven't you ever taken one of them?"
"Why do you keep harping on this thing with Josh? I didn't take
them because…I didn't take them. It wasn't the right time;
the right job, that's all."
"You didn't take them because Josh didn't want you to go.
Isn't that right?"
"That was part of it."
"Part of it? Donna, please. You would've jumped through rings of
fire for him."
"I still would." Donna insisted.
"Except he's not asking you to anymore, is he?" Stanley
continued to press. "He's cut you off personally, he's cut
you off professionally. Hell, he even had Leo tell you about being
transferred. Couldn't even be bothered to do that himself, could
he?"
"I told you, it upsets him to see me."
"He's punishing you."
"For what?" Donna cried. "What did I do? Why is he punishing
me? Because I wanted more from my job? Because of Colin? I didn't
ask for Colin before I had my surgery, I asked for him. I needed
him."
"You still need him."
"I'll always need him. He just doesn't need me anymore. Barb
even brings him coffee!"
"I'm sure that has some sort of significance to you, but I'm
not sure what-"
"If it's not my fault, then why am I being punished?!" Donna
demanded.
"I don't think you're being punished Donna. I think it FEELS
like you're being punished. And you're certainly punishing
yourself. Why did you survive and no one else did? I don't have an
answer for that and neither do you, but you can create one, Donna. You
can give meaning to their sacrifice and your survival. Today wasn't
the first time you were trapped in the SUV staring at Admiral
Fitzwallace, was it?" Donna shook her head no. "This was just
the first time you were around other people when it happened." Donna
whispered `Yes'.
Stanley poured her some water from the pitcher on the table and
encouraged her to take a sip.
"It's going to get better, Donnatella." Donna's head
snapped up at the use of her full name. "Josh tells me things."
He explained. "You're going to need help to get through this. It
was no small thing that you experienced, stop pretending you can handle
it by yourself."
"I don't know what else to do. I feel so awful inside, so alone.
I'm tired of feeling like this."
"I know. It's going to be that way until you start talking to
people; including the therapist I'm going to set you up with. Will
you do that?"
"How do I start?" Donna asked meekly.
"Well if I were you, I would start with Josh." Stanley told her.
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Josh knocked twice before letting himself back into Donna's
apartment. He'd been surprised a few minutes earlier when the caller
on the other end of the phone had been Stanley, not Donna, telling him
it was okay to return to the apartment. Stanley had stayed nearly two
hours and Josh found himself getting increasingly anxious with every
minute that passed. So when he was finally given permission to return,
he sprinted to the apartment.
Stanley didn't share anything with Josh about what they discussed,
he would never break Donna's confidence, but Stanley did warn Josh
that Donna was very tired and pretty emotional. Stanley suggested he
check in with Donna periodically to make sure she was okay. It
wasn't a suggestion Josh needed to have brought up to him. Josh had
made a trip back to his apartment to get some things he'd need to
stay overnight. He had no intention of leaving Donna alone this evening.
"Donna?" Josh called into a darkened apartment. It was early
evening and Donna hadn't turned on any lights yet. As his eyes
adjusted to the dark room he noticed Donna's silhouette on the
couch. He called her name again as he walked toward her, not wanting to
startle her with his presence.
"I'm here. I'm just really tired." Donna explained.
"I thought I could order us some Chinese. We could eat it while I
yell at Haffley on Larry King." Josh offered.
"That would be nice." Josh ordered from their favorite place and
served it to Donna in the living room in front of the TV.
The combination of their `normal' routine and a very quiet
Donnatella gave Josh a bad feeling. He wanted her to bombard him with
useless trivia about Larry King or better yet, television in general. He
kept throwing glances at her until she finally blew up at him.
"Would you stop looking at me like that? I'm not going to fall
apart again, okay? Maybe you should go."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm spending the night right here,
but I'll try to avoid looking at you if that helps."
"I don't remember asking you to stay."
"You did it with your eyes. I could always read your eyes."
"I think you might need glasses, then."
"No, I might be a little out of practice, but it's a skill I
couldn't ever lose." Donna looked away when Josh told her that
and she felt the tears welling up in her eyes again.
"Why did you ask Leo to transfer me?" Josh did a double take at
her quiet question.
"I didn't."
"Josh…"
"I swear Donna, I didn't. It was Leo's idea. I just
didn't have the ability to fight it much after my rather impulsive
trip to Germany. Leo was afraid of the speculation it would cause with
the Republicans and the press. He was concerned that it would hurt you,
me, and the President; although not necessarily in that order."
"But you've been avoiding me. I've hardly seen you or talked
to you since I got home."
"I thought that's what you wanted. I thought you wanted things-
I was just trying to give you some space. You'd been through so much
and in Germany…there was Colin and I-
"Josh, I didn't want Colin. I just wanted you." She
hesitantly moved forward and when Josh didn't turn away, she gently
kissed his lips. "Just you." She moved toward him again.
"Donna wait. This isn't a good idea." Donna looked at him
with a puzzled frown. "You're mentally, emotionally, and
physically exhausted. You had a two hour session with Stanley;
that's really intense stuff. You aren't in a good position to
make choices like this right now."
Donna looked away from him, embarrassed. "Right. I don't know
what I was thinking. I'm going to go to bed now. You should go home,
Josh."
"I don't think you should be alone tonight, Donnatella."
Donna flinched when he called her by her full name.
"I don't think you should be here tonight, Joshua." She
maneuvered herself into her chair and made a hasty, if inelegant, exit
to her room.
With humiliation burning on her face, Donna got her sweats on and got
into bed, praying that Josh wouldn't invade her sanctuary. How could
she face him again at work tomorrow? Please God, let him leave tonight
and never mention her kissing him again. Let him just chalk it up to
PTSD. She listened intently, and she could clearly hear him cleaning up
the dishes, then unzip his backpack. Damn, he was staying. She
couldn't very well get him to leave without going out to face him
again, and THAT was something she would avoid at all costs.
Fine then; let him sleep on her couch if it assuaged his guilt. Lord
knows he'd done it many times before; though he'd always been
drunk on those previous occasions. She was going to go to sleep and
ignore the man in her living room. Tomorrow she'd figure out what
she was going to do next.
By 2 AM, Josh was no closer to sleep than he'd been when Donna left
him sitting on the living room couch hours earlier. He quietly moved to
Donna's bedroom door and opened it just a crack. She was sound
asleep, lying on her side facing the door. The light from the hallway
illuminated her blond hair and `alabaster' skin. She was so
lovely; she literally took his breath away. He'd been petrified
earlier in CJ's office. Thank God Stanley had been able to come.
Yes, Donna had experienced quite a day. That's why he hadn't let
her kiss him again. He didn't want to her to confuse the emotional
roller coaster she'd been all day with whatever feelings she may or
may not have for him.
After all these years, and all this misdirection and confusion, he would
be damned if he was going to set himself up for more. Tomorrow they
would talk and make some choices. Tomorrow, when some of the emotional
charge of the day had worn off.