May 2002
The phone is ringing. This can’t be happening. The President and most of the
staff are in New York. Josh went over to ‘discuss’ things with Amy about the
marriage incentives and sent me home early. I am curled up in front of the
television with Ben and Jerry’s, FINALLY getting to watch a DVD I bought ages
ago and the phone is ringing?
I groan when I see the caller ID list the call as coming from the White House. Did
Amy start MORE trouble sending Josh back there to fight on another front? No,
he would have called from his cell phone on the way there.
“Hello?” I answer hesitantly.
“Donna, it’s Carol.” Her voice sounds off. “I was asked to call the senior
assistants. Tere was an incident in New York. Simon Donavon was shot and
killed during a robbery attempt.”
“Oh my God, Carol. He was killed?...Is C.J. alright?” I’m panicking a bit now, I
know, but-
“Physically, she’s fine. She wasn’t anywhere near him at the time, but
emotionally…” Carol trailed off and let me make my own assumptions about the
rest.
“I understand.” I replied quietly, my heart breaking for C.J.
“I figured you would.” Carol hesitated for a second. “Maybe later…if you have the
chance…you could give her a call?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks. I’m just so glad Josh wasn’t there.” Carol sighed.
“Me too, Carol. Me too…thanks for the call.” I barely set the phone in it’s cradle
before I pick it up again and it number 1 on my speed dial, but it goes straight to
voice mail. He turned it off? That doesn’t make any sense. Josh NEVER turns his
cell phone off. Next, I try his pager, but after a tense minute waiting for the phone
to ring in response to my page, I pick it up again and try his office and then his
home. By the time I get his home answering machine, I’ve put on shoes, a jacket,
and grabbed my purse. I leave a terse but explicit message, “Call me on my cell,
NOW” and I’m out the door and on my way to his place. Maybe he’s home by
himself, having an episode, and he can’t answer. I call the White House on my
drive over to Josh’s and verify with security that he did not return there.
I rush up the stairs to his brownstone and use my key to get in without even
knocking, but the minute I cross the threshold I can feel that he isn’t here. Shit.
Now I have to make the call I’ve been dreading. I really can’t decide, and I’ve
given this a LOT of thought, which is worse; when I call his home number and
SHE answers or when I have to call her home number and ask HER permission
to talk to him. They’re mutually distasteful to me, and I think Josh realizes that
because he always tells me to call his cell first. She wouldn’t dare to answer his
cell and we all know it. But since idiot boy turned it off, which is a subject we will
be returning to later, I have no choice.
Maybe I should hold off a bit. If he’s there with HER, I’m sure she’ll take care of
him right? Who I am kidding, the woman couldn’t care for a pet rock. Now I’m
worried and angry. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Hello?”
“Amy, it’s Donna. Could I speak to Josh please?”
“He isn’t with you?” She practically snarls.
“No, he left work a long time ago and said he was heading over to your place. He
never got there?” I can hear my voice go up an octave and I’m sure I’m shouting
too, but I’m past the point of caring.
“He WAS here; ranting about how he blocked my maneuvers and I should have
known better, etc, etc.”
I’m thinking, ‘you’re damn right you should have known better and you should
have never put the man in your personal life under fire like that professionally
either’ but I realize that needs to be on the back burner for now. “Then where is
he now?”
“I thought he was going to see you. After he got off the phone with Sam about
Simon Donovan he grabbed his backpack and hurried out of here.”
“You just…let him leave?!” I shout again.
“I’m not his assistant or his mother. He wanted to go so he went.”
I could seriously kill her. Right. Now. She knows about Josh’s PTSD. I know she
knows because Josh told me she knows. Apparently, she got curious about the
meds he was taking. I wouldn’t have shared that info with this guttersnipe, but
then I would be pretty leery about sharing a bed with someone like her too, so…
“You know he shouldn’t be alone right now, Amy.” I say; my voice low and angry.
“He had a choice. He made his choice.” She replies. “Maybe you should just
have a GPS chip injected under his skin, then you’ll know where he is every
minute. Then again, you might not want to do that. Knowing how much time he
spends here might depress you.”
“You’re doing this now? Seriously? Josh may be in the middle of a PTSD episode
and you want to take the time to swipe at me?” I demand.
“I want to take this time to explain to you that your job is to type, file, and answer
the phone. You’re not his wife and it’s not in your job description to take care of
his delicate psyche.” She positively rails on me. I can’t find my voice I’m so
stunned.
“Do you know where he is?” I say quietly. “He isn’t answering his cell.” I hear Amy
produce a nasty laugh.
“I have no clue where he is. Your best bet is his cell. You should keep trying to
reach him on that.” Then the bitch hangs up on me.
Left with no other options, I decide to go back to Josh’s and wait for him there.
Sitting on the floor outside his door, I have plenty of time to think of a million dire
things that could have happened to him and my head is starting to pound from
the stress. I decide to focus my attention on something more pleasant…like
keying Amy’s car or slicing her tires. If Josh had any idea what she just said to
me he’d…well at least in the old days he would have cut her off at the knees.
Lately, things had been off. We’ve been off ever since Cliff, if I’m being
completely honest with myself. We’ve had a few nice moments the night of Mrs.
Bartlet’s Birthday party, but I still feel the strain.
Finally, I see him walk up the steps. I practically fly down the hall to him. “Where
have you been?!” I look him up and down assuring myself that he’s safe; at least
physically.
"I went to your place first."
"I've been calling you like crazy. Don't you have your phone on?"
"I have to get a new one. Amy threw mine in the stew last night." The words are
barely out of his mouth and I feel myself do a slow burn…’keep trying him on his
cell’ my ass. But that’s for later.
"Are you all right?" I whisper and he nods like a little kid who got lost on his way
home from school. I take his hand in my left hand and unlock his door with my
right hand.
We get inside and I shut the door behind us. I move to turn a lamp on in the dark
room but I hear his harsh whisper, “Donna…” and I catapult into his arms and
hold him tight.
"It's okay." I tell him. "I'm here with you; I won't leave you. I’ll never leave you."
"How did you know I needed you?" he asks.
"I just did." I pull out of his arms and simply tell him to go get changed.
He turns to go do as I told him without another word which only illustrates how far
gone he is right now. I can’t believe the SHE just let him walk out like this. How
can anyone who cares about him not help him when he’s like this? Is she so
angry over her political loss that she’s willing to take it out on him personally?
What kind of woman, what kind of person, does that? Is that really the kind of
woman he’s attracted to? I need to put that aside. I have another friend to take
care of.
My conversation with C.J. is short but packed with emotions. She is literally
sobbing. I’ve never seen her sob and just hearing it on the phone breaks my
heart. It also brings back, in sharp focus, all the emotions I felt the night of the
Newseum speech. The helpless/hopeless feelings that threatened to overcome
me for 14 hours. Once the surgery was over, I felt like I could do something
again even if it was only to hold his hand and talk to him. C.J. won’t ever have
that chance with Simon.
I had that chance but I threw it away when I slept with Cliff. I can’t think about that
now.
"All right, Ceej. I'll see you tomorrow." I snap my phone shut and look up to see
Josh watching me.”
"That was CJ?" he asks.
"Yeah." I nod and look at the floor. I can’t even look at Josh after thinking about
Cliff.
"Why didn't you let me talk to her?"
"She doesn't want to talk to anyone." I tell him quietly.
"But she'll talk to you?" He asks all puzzled.
"I've got a certain understanding for how she feels right now, Josh." I admit and I
see the moment my meaning hits him. Instantly I regret saying that. It’s probably
the last thing he needs to hear about right now. “Come sit down with me. I’ll put
“Monty Python and the Holy Grail” on and I’ll make some tea.” No way are we
turning on the news.
“Coffee?” he counters.
“You don’t need caffeine this late; tea.” I respond and he gives me a half-smile.
“You’re always taking care of me Donna.”
“That’s what friends do, right?” I watch his half-smile fade at my words and
wonder what I did wrong now.
“Yeah. That’s what friends do.” He repeats.
I turn on the promised DVD and when I return with the tea he’s lying down on the
couch with his eyes half closed.
I set the tea down next to him and start to sit on the chair when he grabs my wrist
and leads me to lie down next to him. When I hesitate, he lets go of me.
“I’m sorry. I thought- I mean we’ve watched movies like that before.” He stammers.
“I don’t mind, I just think Amy would and-“
“I don’t give a damn about what ‘Amy would’.” Josh interrupts me with a
vehemence that causes me to literally take a step back. “We’re finished. Truth
be told we should have never started. “
I shrug, still unsure of my footing here. “You were enscorcelled.”
“I don’t know if it was that, as much as…well other things. In any case, it’s done.”
He holds his hand out to me; giving me a choice this time instead of assuming. I
take his hand and let him pull me gently to his side on the couch. As soon as I’m
lying down with him his arms come around me and hold me tightly to him.
“All I could think of when Sam told me was, ‘thank god I didn’t go’.” He admits.
“Does that make me a bad person, Donna?”
“No, no it doesn’t.” I assure him. “It’s the most natural response in the world.”
“But the President and some of my closest friends were all there. I didn’t even
ask about anyone else. If Sam hadn’t told me everyone else was okay I still
wouldn’t know it.”
“Josh. You went through a horrific experience in Rosslyn. Give yourself a break.
You’re still feeling the effects; physically and emotionally.” I tell him.
“I notice you left out psychologically.” He adds.
“No, you showed signs of psychological illness WAY before Rosslyn.” I joke and
feel heartened when he pokes me in the back with one of his fingers.
“Hey!”
“You asked.” I reply and revel in this moment of perfect accord between us. “Do
you think you could sleep for awhile?” I ask and he gives me a skeptical look.
“Maybe, but not if I’m by myself.” He turns on the pout and I smirk at him.
“Well then I guess it’s in my own best interest to stay here with you.” I agree. “If
you don’t get sleep, you’ll be very crabby tomorrow, make me crazy all day and
insult enough members of Congress to keep the FTD florist in the black for
months.”
“Then you really have no choice.” Josh smiles at me.
“On one condition.” I reply seriously and see his grin disappear. “You call
Stanley in the morning.”
“I’ll call Stanley tomorrow.” He promises.
See, he sounds likes he’s agreeing to my demand, but I demanded a phone call
to Stanley in the morning and he promised to call sometime during the day,
which gives him from midnight tonight until midnight tomorrow. He’d probably
choose 11:59 PM tomorrow and leave a message on Stanley’s office line. Not
gonna happen.
“You’ll call Stanley at 9 AM tomorrow, our time, or else.” I threaten, using my
poker face and my very serious voice. It does the job, because he answers me
almost immediately.
“Okay, I call at 9 tomorrow morning; I promise.” He tells me solemnly. I nod in
acknowledgement of his promise and resume my place with my head on his
shoulder.
He talks for a few more minutes about how he felt listening to Sam talk about the
shooting. How he felt so alone and isolated with almost everyone in New York. He
describes the moment he realized he needed to see me and how he left Amy’s
and my heart melts because he says he wasn’t sure if he had the right to come
to me for stuff like that anymore. After assuring him that he could always come to
me, no matter what, he drifts off into sleep.
I watch him sleep and deal with some guilt of my own.
I was so sure he didn’t care about me. I was so sure he would never care about
me that way. He didn’t even bring me inside about the President’s MS; it was
Toby who told me. I just…I needed something; someone who could love me the
way I needed to be loved.
Josh had become more and more withdrawn and difficult since he found out
about the President’s illness. He seemed to lose faith in the President, the
administration, politics and even us. I needed to feel good again to have
someone who cared that I felt good again…enter Cliff Calley. Looking back, I can
see why I found him intriguing. He’s a Republican Josh; cute, smart, funny, and
passionate about what he does and believes. If we had a Republican President,
God forbid, Cliff could easily be doing Josh’s job.
Suddenly I had a man, very much like the man I wanted so desperately to see me
as more than an assistant or friend, telling me I was beautiful; kissing me,
touching me, and making me feel alive and happy again. In contrast to the
tension and isolation I was feeling at the White House, my time with Cliff felt like
Nirvana.
Then came the guilt. He was a Republican on Ways and Means, a committee
that Josh was fighting tooth and nail with. I felt like I was betraying the man who
was solely responsible for me working in the White House and who helped me
create this new life I was living. I was torn. Then came the night that became the
basis for the destruction of my relationship with Josh as I knew it; the night I slept
with Cliff.
I reasoned that my decision had nothing to do with Josh; that Cliff wasn’t just a
substitute for the man I truly longed to be with. I justified it by saying I’d given
every day and night and weekend to a man who didn’t appreciate it so I was
going to spend one night with a man who did. It felt wonderfully rebellious and
when the guilt would start to surface I told myself Josh would never, ever know;
couldn’t possibly find out. Talk about being off the mark.
Admitting to Josh that I’d dated Cliff when he was battling ways was the hardest
thing I’d ever had to tell him…up until the time I had to tell him I’d lied to
Congress. It was horrible and we’ve never fully recovered from that. Soon after,
he’d become ensorcelled with Amy and while things have improved between us,
we really haven’t hit on all cylinders since.
Now, looking back and reviewing the situation honestly, I have to wonder; did I
destroy my chance at the one thing I wanted most in my life, by deciding I’d never
have it and settling for second best? That thought brings tears to my eyes and
physical pain shooting throughout my body. I look at this man who has endured
more pain and hardship than any one man should have to and he still finds
the…drive to get out of bed every morning and try to make the world a better
place. I trace the side of his face with my finger wishing with everything in me that
I could undo that one damn night. I know I can’t, but maybe we can start over and
be ‘us’ again. He ditched Amy, so anything is possible.
“I’m sorry, Joshua. I’m so sorry for all of it.” I whisper and drop my head back to
his shoulder before falling into a dreamless sleep.
**************************************
“Donna!” I know it’s twisted, but I love the sound of that bellow. He needs me.
“What?!” I shout back. It’s not exactly professional, but it is us.
“Did you see this?”
“See what?” I ask innocently.
“There’s a page three story about the demise of Amy Gardner and the Women’s
Leadership Coalition’s attempt to block our bill.”
“Really? On page three?” I look over his shoulder. “That’s gotta hurt her
chances of getting employed any time soon.”
“Anytime soon in any city that reads the Washington Post.” Josh scoffs.
Toby and C.J. come in with their own copy of the paper.
“Did you two see this?” Toby’s holding up his copy of the Post.
“We’re just reading it now.” I answer.
“They quote a senior White House staffer as saying that it was only a matter of
time before Gardner’s ego imploded to the detriment of the Women’s Leadership
Coalition. They same source said she used personal contacts for political gain
and made a lot of enemies in this town.” Toby quoted.
“Ouch.” Josh said, but he was smirking at the same time.
“You think Leo’s gonna be pissed about the leak?” Toby asked.
“I don’t see why. The only one that looks bad is Amy. The coalition got rid of her,
so they’re clear, and we were fighting her on getting more money for childcare
subsidies, so we’re clear.” Josh reasons. That’s my guy.
“Leo doesn’t like unauthorized leaks from senior White House staffers.” Toby
countered.
“Oh…that…” Josh thinks about this. “We should preemptively cut this off and
look into the leak.”
“Don’t look at me.” Toby backed off with his hands up in front of him.
“No, I think the ideal person to look into a press leak is the Press Secretary, don’t
you?” Josh asks Toby who smiles.
“That is, in fact, a brilliant idea. C.J., look into the leak.” Toby orders.
“Oh, come on!” She protests a little too much and I give her a little head shake.
“Fine, I’ll look into it, but the chances of me finding whoever it was is next to nil
and since we weren’t hurt by it-“
“Yeah, yeah, just look into it so we can tell Leo we looked into it.” Josh waves off
her protests.
“Got it.” C.J. replies. “I’ll get on it right away.” She promises and I follow her out of
the office. “Is it too early for lunch?” she asks me.
“At 8 am? Yes, I think it is. However, it’s the perfect time for breakfast.” I suggest.
“I’ll even treat.”
“Really?” C.J. asks in surprise.
“Really, I’m in an exceptionally good mood today. And you must be bummed that
you have to go on another leak hunt.” I give her a fake pout.
“It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. I’m just afraid I’m doomed to failure.”
She shrugs and makes me laugh until my body shakes.
We go down to the mess and offer a toast with our coffee, “To the Sisterhood”.