November 2001
Josh and I walked home through the snowfall tonight and it was so peaceful and
pleasant. I was very worried about telling him that Cliff called. I wasn’t sure how
he’d react. We’re just starting to get our footing again and I didn’t want to do
anything that might set us back, but I was sure Cliff was sincerely trying to help
Leo so I HAD to make the call.
Josh came back to the White House with a very determined stride and he didn’t
give me any deadly glare when he passed me looking for Leo so I think Cliff was
on the level with me. Still the wait for him was long and anxiety ridden so I was
happy to see him come out of the Oval with a smile on his face and an offer to
walk me home.
We chat and banter a bit along the way and it feels good; right. We get to the
point where we need to go our separate ways and I tell him goodnight. The smile
he gives me warms my entire body and it takes such willpower to turn away from
him without saying ‘I love you’. But I do it and make it all of three blocks before I
change my mind. Okay, maybe I can’t say the magic three words, but I can tell
him how much I appreciate all he’s done for me through this mess. I can tell him
how much I care. He’s done so much, risked so much and I’ve barely been able
to say anything to him about it because I’ve been so ashamed.
My resolve grows with every step. This is it. I can feel it. I’ll start by telling him
how grateful I am for all he’s done and tell him how sorry I am that the choices I’
ve made recently have hurt him. Then he can tell me that he understands and
forgives me. Maybe I can give him a hug and we’ll hold each other just a little too
long and then…
I’m getting ahead of myself. First things first. It’s going to take some guts, but I’m
going to say at least some of the words tonight and let the chips fall where they
may.
I round the final corner with a good head of steam and almost trip over my own
feet in my haste to stop my forward momentum. There’s Joshua, sitting on the
steps of his apartment where he and I have sat countless times together, only
he and Amy are doing the one thing Josh and I have never done there; they’re
kissing. It looks pretty heated too. I can tell because it’s melting my heart from a
block away. Looks like Josh finally figured out what to do when he has a crush
on a woman. Nice.
In a near panic, I turn on my heel and depart like the hounds of hell are at my
heels. Oh, my God. Josh is kissing Amy Gardner! He just left me like 5 minutes
ago and he’s kissing…I’m going to be sick. I was so sure…I thought maybe now
we could…Damn it!
The tears are falling pretty rapidly now. I can’t even keep up with wiping them
away. I rush past Mrs. McKenzie without even responding to her ‘hello’. I just can’
t; not tonight. I burst through my door and retreat to the sanctity of my bedroom.
I shut the door and lock the world, including Josh and his new girlfriend out.
I don’t know that much about Amy Gardner but what I do know I don’t like. She’ll
be no good for him, I know it. She’s a power dater. She won’t look out for him.
She won’t watch what he eats, make sure his blood pressure stays down or even
help him with his stress at work. She’ll add to it. Just watch!
He was really kissing her. REALLY KISSING HER. That’ll get his blood pressure
up in a whole different way, I imagine. If only I hadn’t turned around. If only I’d
just gone straight home. Yes, I’d have found out about it eventually, but I wouldn’
t have that image burned into my mind. It’s going to haunt me. I won’t get a wink
of sleep tonight. I might as well break out the Ben and Jerry’s and set up the
movie marathon right now. Or at least open a bottle of wine.
How can I continue to be so very stupid? There’s no way he could have feelings
for me and kiss her like that. No way.
But then I think back to Cliff. Isn’t that exactly what I did with Cliff? Use him as a
substitute for the man I really wanted to be with. But with Cliff, I was attracted to
the similarities between him and Josh. There are no similarities between me and
Amy other than the fact that we both have two X chromosomes. She’s brunette,
has two degrees and runs a major political organization. She plays with the big
boys; I get the big boys their coffee. Well, maybe I do a little more than that, but
comparatively…
He’ll never have to rescue her, I’ll bet. She can take care of herself and she’d
NEVER be so stupid to make the kind of mistakes I have lately. What a relief for
him not to have to take care of the woman he’s with. I’m sure it’s wonderful for
him. I’ll just try to be happy that he has someone he cares about in his life. Not
tonight though. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll give that a try. Tonight, I’m getting
drunk.