October 2000
I’ve been at the White House for two hours and I’ve spent an hour and a half of that
two hours trying to get people to leave me alone. I just want to catch up on
messages and prioritize Josh’s inbox; which things he’ll want to deal with personally,
which things need to be farmed out, and which things someone recovering from
attempted murder should not even know about.
Josh has been home from the hospital for two months now, and I know he thinks I’
ve gone overboard with ‘the rules’ but he didn’t have the view I had of his chest
cracked open and his heart not beating. So he’s just going to have to continue
dealing with the rules for now. He has worked really hard this week on his PT, he’s
been working hard all along, but especially hard this week, so I thought I’d bring
home some greasy food – just this once- for a reward. IF I can ever get out of this
place. Oh, Lord. Here comes C.J. now.
“Donna! It’s good to see you. How are you doing?” C.J. looks me over like I’m a
horse that she’s considering buying. This is another thing that’s driving me nuts.
Everybody here keeps asking how I’m doing! Like I was the one who was shot.
What is wrong with these people?
“Fine. I’m just about to head back to Josh’s.” I keep loading up my bag with papers.
“Why don’t we go down to the mess and grab a bite before you head back?” C.J.
offered. “The only time I see you anymore is when you blow by the office to get stuff
for Josh. And then it’s only as a brief blur!”
“I’m busy, C.J. Between trying to manage Josh’s Doctor and therapy appointments
and running Operations from his apartment, I don’t have much free time.” Okay,
that came out a little snarkier than I intended, but honestly!
“Then take a few minutes now and grab a bite with me. Carol said you looked like a
wind could blow you over and I have to agree with her.”
“For God’s Sake! This is the White House. Isn’t there anything more important for
you people to monitor than my weight or sleep habits?” Okay, that was a little
louder than I intended; everyone in the bullpen has stopped to watch the show.
“We’re worried about you, Donna.” C.J. says in a quiet, calm voice that only makes
me more upset.
“Josh is the one you should be worried about, C.J.! He’s the one struggling to get
his body to work again after nearly dying. You should see how much he’s hurting. It
kills me to even watch him go through this and you people think I should eat a few
more fries?” C.J. waits until I finish, then takes my arm and pulls me into Josh’s
office where she shuts the door behind us.
“Sit.” She orders.
“I’m not a puppy, C.J., I don’t care if you ARE the Press Secretary, I-“
“Sit down before you fall down, woman.” She used that scary Press Secretary voice
and I sit down before I even realize what I’m doing. “Now you listen to me Donna
Moss. We are worried about Josh. We are constantly worried about Josh. We’d be
happy to spend more time with him if someone eased up on the rules a little bit.”
“The rules are in place for a very good-“
“Josh went through a horrific experience. He almost died. But we all know you’re
taking exceptional care of him so we can dial back the worry there. What we worry
about more is; who is taking care of you while you’re taking care of Josh?”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me.” I tell her stubbornly.
“Yes, you do.” She argues. “And I know how to make you see it. What do you think
would happen to Josh if something happened to you?”
“What is going to happen to me, C.J.?” I ask skeptically.
“I don’t know. Maybe you have a car accident because you’re so damn tired you
can’t see straight anymore. Maybe you collapse because you’re not giving your
body any decent food…or any food. Maybe the worry and pressure of taking care
of patient full time along with running part of the White House full time send you
over the edge, we have to institutionalize you and I lose an important member of
the Sisterhood around here.”
I’m not sure which part of her imaginings get to me, but one of them does and I
burst into tears.
“Whoa…whoa!” C.J. panics a bit from my reaction. “I didn’t want to- I never meant
to- Donna…” she gives up and just wraps her arms around me while I sob.
“I’m so scared, C.J., and I don’t know what to do about it. He’s in pain all the time,
and I can’t help him. Things are happening around here so fast I can hardly keep
up. I’m dropping balls all over the place and one of these times it’s going to be
serious.”
“Hey, it’s not in your job description to run Operations, Donna. You need to ask for
whatever help you need here. You know Leo will give it to you. Stop trying to do
everything yourself!” she offers. “I also think it would be very good for you and for
Josh to get breaks from one another once in awhile. It hurts you to see him hurting
and it has to hurt him to try to hold it in so you don’t see him hurting. Josh has lots
of friends here who would love to help. Let us help him and help you get some rest.”
I shrug. I know what she’s saying is true, but I don’t know if I can let go that much;
trust the other to take care of him the way he needs to be cared for right now.
“In fact, why don’t you let me take this stuff over to him so you can go home, take a
hot bath, maybe a nap, and come back for the overnight shift?”
“I can’t; not now.” I hurry to explain. “I planned on getting Josh a special dinner
tonight. He had a grueling PT appointment.”
“Donna..”
“Tomorrow.” I hasten to promise. “Tomorrow one of you can come over and spell
me awhile. I promise.” C.J. looks into my eyes and then nods in agreement.
“I’ll work out a schedule for coverage. Sam and Toby can take a couple overnights
too.”
“Okay…yeah, that could work…” I wipe my face with my hands to get rid of the last
of the tears. “Thanks, C.J.”
“Go get dinner and try to relax over there as much as you can.” She instructs me.
**************************************************
I arrive at Josh’s with cheesesteaks from Big Willie’s; one of his favorites. In fact I
got an extra one so he can heat it up for lunch tomorrow if he wants to. But when I
open the door, my good humor vanishes in an instant. Toby is here; without
clearing the visit with me first. He knows better than this. I’m going to take his head
off and drink my beer out of it.
“You broke the rules!” I accuse, pointing a finger at Toby. I don’t blame Josh for
this; the man is so desperate for company he’d let Jehovah’s witnesses inside just
for a chance to debate with someone. I’m using my fierce, don’t mess with me voice,
and I can see Josh’s eyes widen at my tone.
“I just got here.” Toby replies quickly.
“You’re the only one who tries to circumvent the rules.” I walk menacingly closer to
Toby. “Everyone else respects them, but you’re the only one who seems to think
they don’t apply to you.” Seeing Toby unwilling to defend himself or try to tell me
the rules are stupid again brings home to me how worried he is about me, too.
“It was important, Donna.” Josh chimes in and I throw him a look that says, ‘Oh,
please, like you’d even know’.
“What was so important?” I ask him.
“I’ll tell you later.” He tells me quickly. I sincerely doubt it.
“Really?” I turn back to Toby for confirmation..
“Have I ever lied to you before, Donna?” Toby says quietly looking right into my
eyes and forcing me to remember the night of the shooting when he was the ONLY
one to tell me the truth about Josh. I nearly fall down right there. Damn it, Toby!
“No.” I whisper. I think about my mental/emotional/physical state right now and the
promises I made to C.J. I make an important decision. I let it go.
“I brought cheesesteaks from Big Willie’s.” I tell them both and can see them do a
double take at my rapid change of mood.
“Really?” Josh asks skeptically. I think he thinks I might be playing a mean joke on
him due to the uncleared visit.
“I thought you deserved a reward.” I shrug. “You’ve been working pretty hard. Do
you want one, Toby? There’s three.”
“I will never pass up Big Willie’s.” Toby says shrugging out of his jacket and rolling
up his sleeves.
“I got beer, too. How’s your blood pressure, Josh?” I call out from the kitchen. There’
s a slight pause and I imagine he’s working up to lying to me right now.
“Um...okay.” he calls back and I can almost picture the wince on his face as he tells
me this bold faced lie, but again, I let it go…just for tonight.
“You swear?” I tease just to make him squirm.
“Yes.” He replies. What an idiot! Probably has his fingers crossed like your average
four year old.
We sit down at the table together with our beers and our loaded cheesesteaks and
I realize I feel pretty good right now because 1) Josh is genuinely smiling and
enjoying every greasy bite of his meal 2) Toby is giving him shit about something
from the office just like normal. Maybe that’s it. It just feels normal again.
When we finish eating, we sit around talking for awhile; bashing stupid Republicans,
complaining about health insurance carriers (Josh’s request that they pay for the
ambulance ride to GW has again been denied) and the lack of quality TV shows
especially during the daytime. After a few minutes of this, I make another decision. I’
m going to take a nap while Toby is here. I’ll just be in Josh’s guest room, he can
get me if he needs me, but I’m exhausted. I pick up the wrapper from my dinner,
drain the last drops from my beer and make an announcement.
“I’m going to the guest room for a nap.” Both of them look at me like an alien has
invaded my body.
“Ummm…okay?” Josh says tentatively. I know he sees this as an opportunity to get
another beer, but maybe that’s what he truly needs right now, so what the hell?
“Toby, you’ll wake me before you leave?” I ask him and see him acknowledge the
trust I’m placing in him.
“I’ll take care of everything.” He promises.
“Thanks.” I tell him with a sincere smile before I walk out of the room. I wait a beat
and then call back down the hall. “No more than two beers, Joshua, or you know
what I’ll do!”
I hear him choke on a swallow of that very substance. My work done for the
moment, I drop into the guest room bed and immediately into sleep.