October 2001
How long can it take the man to read my damn diary? We’ve been sitting on
this bench for over a damn hour. I can’t take this anymore. I get up to pace
and shoot s glance over at Josh who is sitting calmly on the bench we’ve been
sharing. He’s looking around the square; people watching and he doesn’t say
a word. The tension is killing me and he sits there looking like he’s waiting for
a damn bus!
I don’t know why he won’t accept my resignation. I let him down in more ways
than I can count, and if that’s not enough, there’s always the perjury charge I
could be facing any moment. He needs to cut me loose and stay as far away
from me as possible. The PTSD…I’m sorry I ever wrote a single word about it.
At the time, I just needed somewhere safe and private to share my fears.
PRIVATE! Ha! A woman should be able to write down her thoughts and
feelings without having to worry about having those thoughts and feelings
dissected in public.
As horrible as it would be to have the PTSD issues come out because of me,
that’s nothing to the personal humiliation I will face when I have to read
passages from diary aloud for the committee about my feelings for my friend
and boss. They’re going to have a field day. It won’t matter that every word on
every page only serves to illustrate that there was no…affair between us. It
will be played everywhere and I’ll be reduced to fodder for late night TV.
Damn Cliff Calley! Why couldn’t he leave me alone?
I guess to be honest, I had a hand in this too. I could’ve said no to the set up
Ainsley arranged. I could’ve said no when I found out where he worked. I
could have said no the second night Cliff appeared at my apartment to explain
his ungracious exit the night before. I could have asked him to leave when he
kissed me, or started to undress me, or led me back to my bedroom. At any
point I could have derailed this train, but I didn’t and now look what I’ve
reaped. I think I’m going to throw up.
I just wanted…needed…someone to love me. Cliff was sweet, funny, and
gentle. He said all the right things, did all the right things, and yes, he
reminded me of Josh. His passion for the issues, his bantering communication
style, and his acute sense of right and wrong were all reminiscent of my
relationship with Josh. Only with Cliff, I could ask him to kiss me, touch me and
not have to worry about either of our jobs…at least at the time. What a huge
mistake! I’d do anything to take it all back or do it all over.
The look of disappoint on Josh’s face when I told him I’d dated Cliff was bad,
so very bad. I thought nothing could be worse until I had to tell him I’d
committed perjury. He’d never been so angry with me before; not ever! Even
when he was going through the worst of the PTSD he never looked at me like
he did when I got back from my testimony. I wanted to sink into the floor and
never get up again. Any hope I ever harbored of something personal and
romantic developing between us has been completely extinguished now.
Completely extinguished.
I look up just as Josh’s head shoots around like a deer sensing a hunter. Cliff
is back. Josh holds an arm out, indicating I should stay where I am while he
talks to Cliff. I’m only too happy to oblige. They exchange a few words and
then the decibel level grows. Josh looks frustrated and runs a hand through
his already disheveled hair while he does a slow circle where he’s standing.
Finally, I see him take a deep breath, point at Cliff and say a few words in a
low voice. Then he turns to me and walks toward me quickly.
“He wants a private word with you.” He shrugs. “If he so much as smiles at you
in a way you don’t like, you call me. I’ll be right here waiting for you.” He
promises and I nod with tears in my eyes. I do not deserve this kind of loyalty
from him right now. I walk to Cliff and stop about 2 feet in front of him.
“I already told Josh.” He tells me. “There’s nothing in the diary that pertains to
the MS until after the time that Toby Ziegler told you about it. We’ll just
consider this whole thing dropped.” He hands me back my diary and I swear I’
m tempted to set the thing on fire there and then. My tears spill down my
cheeks.
“Thank you.” I say quietly. He is really a decent man.
“I wanted you to hear from me, that this will go no further.” He assures me.
See? Decent. “I’m sorry to have put you through this.”
“I shouldn’t have lied.” I mutter. “I shouldn’t have done a lot of things.” We
both know what I’m talking about now and it has nothing to do with my
testimony. He nods his understanding.
“You should tell him, Donna.” He advises me and I let out a small sob. The
sounds alerts Josh and he’s halfway over to us when I wave him off.
“I can’t. Are you kidding me?” I half laugh. “He hates me now.”
“He may be angry, but someone who hates you wouldn’t have risked prison to
keep you safe.” Cliff points out. “Those aren’t the words and actions of
someone that hates you; quite the opposite. You should tell him.”
I just nod and he seems to understand that the subject is closed between us.
“Anyway, I just wanted to promise you, personally, that whatever I saw in there
will never be shared with another living soul. My word of honor.” He promises.
“Thank you.” I tell him looking at the ground.
“Take care, Donnatella Moss.” He smiles and walks away. I stick the diary in
my coat pocket and walk back toward Josh.
“Everything okay?” Josh asks. I shrug. I sincerely doubt everything will ever be
okay again. But then something strange happens. Josh takes my hand and
walks me back to the car and tucks me inside. He briefly kisses my forehead
before he shuts the door with me inside and suddenly I don’t feel quite so
despondent anymore. Things aren’t magically better or anything, but for the
first time in a long time…I feel hope.