September 2002
I’m physically exhausted. After spending 20 hours on the road with the political
equivalent of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, most of those hours in Indiana
by the way, I should have had 24 hours off to recover at least. What did I get?
4 hours sleep and a demand to be in to the office early the next day from the
man who was responsible for us missing the motorcade in the first place;
Cathy the farmer’s daughter… the man should be ashamed of himself.
This is all by way of saying there is no way I should be in a good mood today,
and yet I am. Why? Because Josh is not only bantering with me again, but
laughing at my re-enactment of how he tried to get the attention of the
motorcade shouting, “Over here! Over Here!”
He and Toby have come up with a brilliant plan to make college tuition more
affordable and I say brilliant because it was all instigated by me. I had to give
Josh and Toby a thorough dressing down for their behavior on our ‘road trip’.
They had been acting like the most self-involved, pompous, self-righteous
jackasses I had ever seen. Finally, I had enough and told them both off. They
needed to get off their high horses and look around them at the real issues
confronting everyday Americans. Then I asked for the table and sent them off
to play nicely for awhile. That’s how they ended up at a bar talking to a man
who was trying to figure out how he could afford to send his daughter to Notre
Dame. It was that conversation, along with a follow up by yours truly, that
inspired their deductible college tuition brainstorm.
All three of us have been on a high today even though we have to travel again
tonight to a Rock the Vote event. I’d prefer to be in bed, but all things
considered, a casual event centered around young voters and rock music isn’t
a bad alternative. C.J. has gotten everybody fired up and there is back and
forth debate among all the staffers on everything from deductable college
tuition to title IX. This is when I get Josh alone to argue the importance and
ultimate fairness of Title IX.
I’m in the middle of an impassioned speech about how football is responsible
for the lack of scholarships for all other sports when I notice I’ve lost his
attention. His eyes focus over my shoulder and he mumbles, ‘Excuse me’
before he gets up from the table and walks into the crowd. Curious, I turn
completely around to see who or what has captured his attention to the point
where he abruptly ended our conversation. I can’t see him for a minute since
there are tons of people on the floor. Then the crowd clears for me and I see
who he’s talking to. I close my eyes immediately but the image is already
burned into my brain.
God, Josh, didn’t you learn anything from the last time? She’s proven that she’
s willing to use you or discard you at her political convenience. Can’t you see
she doesn’t love you? That you deserve so much better than that? That if you’
d just open your eyes and see what’s right in front of you-
I get up from the table to move further away from the offending sight, but Sam
blocks my exit.
“Hey, you. I’ve been waiting for a dance; or are you too tired from your Indiana
tour?” he teases.
“I’m not really in the mood for dancing Sam.” I say without meeting his eyes. He
must pick up on something in my face or voice.
“Are you okay? Is it a migraine? Should I get Josh?” He asks in rapid
succession.
I laugh humorlessly. “No, it’s not a migraine. I’m just really tired, you know?
Don’t bother with Josh; I don’t think you can pull him away from Amy at the
moment.” Okay, that might have sounded a little bitter, so I smile to take some
of the sting out of the words. It doesn’t fool Sam. He grimaces and shakes his
head.
“I thought we were done with her.” He says quietly.
“WE were, but apparently Josh missed that memo.” I reply.
“Let’s take a walk outside; get some fresh air.” He suggests and takes my
hand without waiting for my answer. It’s just as well. If I stay here, I’ll keep
watching them. It’s like a road accident. I can’t help but look. Only with this
accident, I’m one of the casualties. When am I going to learn?
Sam grabs two bottles of beer on our way out and hands me one once we step
outside.
“Maybe it’s not what it looks like. He’s been trying to get in touch with
Stackhouse all day and she works with Stackhouse.” He reasons.
“That makes perfect sense.” I agree.
“Their professional paths are bound to cross during an election year.” He
continues.
“Of course.” I agree.
“After what she pulled before, he knows better than to…associate with her
again.” He explains.
“No doubt.” I agree.
“You’re not buying any of this, are you?” Sam grinned sardonically.
“Not for a second. You didn’t see the way he hauled ass over to her the
second he spotted her or the expression on his face when he did.” I tell him.
“Donna, you have to know how much he cares about you.”
“Sam, don’t. Please. I don’t want to think about it and I certainly don’t want to
hear about it.” I cut off wherever he was going with that remark. “What I need
to do is get a life outside the White House. I think I’ll be much happier and
healthier when I have something or someone else to focus on in my life.”
“After re-election-“ Sam begins.
“No. I can’t do this any longer.” I finally look Sam in the eyes so he can see my
resolve. “I’m making a pact to myself, right here and now, that I am going to
find some balance in my life and get a little distance from my boss.” See that
there? I didn’t even call him by his name, just his title. That’s going to help me
get that distance I need.
Sam gives me a skeptical look and I come as close as I ever have to admitting
my feelings for Josh to someone else. “That’s my plan.” I insist.
“It’s a good plan.” He agrees. “It’s logical, reasonable and smart.”
“You’re not buying any of this, are you?” I shoot his own question back at him.
“Not for a second.” He parrots my reply from earlier. “I see things, Donna, in
both of you. I can’t believe that’s something that either of you can just walk
away from.”
“Watch me.” I clink my beer bottle to his, chug the rest of the beer down and
toss that empty bottle in the nearby trash. “Let’s go dance, Samuel.”
***********************************************
When I get home, I’m tired and depressed. All the momentum and positive
energy I felt just 18 hours ago, has completely evaporated. I meant what I said
to Sam. It’s time for me to face the fact that whatever chance I might have had
for Josh to see me as something more than a friend was destroyed when I
made the choice to be with Cliff. I can’t undo that decision and although I’m
grateful Josh and I are on good footing again, I need to acknowledge our
relationship will never be more than it is right now.
I’m going to make a concerted effort to get a life complete with time for friends
and taking opportunities to meet nice, apolitical men. It can be done; even
here in D.C. I’ll be a friendly professional in the West Wing, but I’ll leave work
at work. I will! I am resolved.
************************************
So much for resolve. I had plans for today; fun plans that included bike riding,
lunch with friends, and time for me to get my nails done. All of it was shot to
hell because Jo- my boss insisted I work. I spent a horrible day listening to this
self-improvement guru that’s consulting for Ritchie. I’d like to be able to say
that it was only professional preservation that caused me to cancel my plans
to research this guy. After all, something I dug up could help cinch re-election,
right? When I get back to the office and report my findings to Jo- my boss, I
really didn’t feel that there was any purpose in going to the seminar. Did any
of this really matter? Then Josh starts talking to me about why it was
important. No, that’s not right either. He doesn’t just tell me why; he explains
his thinking to me and pushes me to think about why I should see this as
important. He is teaching me…again. He has always taken the time to talk
things through with me. Everything I know about this world of politics has come
from Josh…I mean, my boss.
Thank God that just when I felt those feelings rising up again I spotted him with
Amy. It was right before everyone left for the Red Mass and they were
standing outside together. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but they were
standing close together, their voices low and intense. I turned away and left
the White House.
I need to find someone else to focus on in my life, but with re-election in full
swing I’m never going to get the time or opportunity until that’s over. Okay, that’
s the date I’ll focus on; Election Day. Once we hit Election Day, I’ll take the time
I need to start dating again.